The Rebbe’s Marriage “Therapy” – How To Have A Great Marriage!


Rabbi Z. Wineberg

Accredited Marriage Mediator / Teacher / Author / Blogger

The Rebbe’s Marriage “Therapy” 8 Steps

In A Seminal Letter The Rebbe Describes “What the relationship should be according to Shulchan Aruch [The Code of Jewish Law] – the Jews practical guide in life.”

Point #1 “The central aspect in the manner of conducting a home and family life, is, that it be based on the way of the Torah, whose ways are “ways of pleasantness, and all of its paths are peace.” If this rule applies to all activities of a Jew, even outside the home, how much more so does it apply within the home itself.”

Step 1 As such the first step is to be happy – for this reason I have written my course Kabbalah Love (as we know from chapter 26 of Tanya overcoming stress is necessary for happiness) this goes through 6 chapters and has helped millions (gentiles included)

The couple will study with me.

Point # 2

“G-d has created human beings with minds and feelings of their own, and these are not uniform in all people, peace and harmony can be achieved only on the basis of “give and take” that is, meeting each other half-way.”

Step 2 In other words the Rebbe is saying we must learn how to compromise – to assist in this process, there is an emerging field called Marriage Mediation – I have both become an accredited Mediator and am part of the largest group of Marriage Mediators – the goal  of mediation is not to take sides but to help assist voluntary comprimise (often by suggesting solutions – amazingly 50% of all clients are helped )

The couple will go through all their “disagreements (resentments)” point by point and resolving and compromising.

Point # 3 . “For a husband and wife to make concessions to each other is not, and should not be considered a sacrifice, G-d forbid. On the contrary, this is what the Torah teaches and expects, for we are talking about concessions that do not involve compromise in regard to the fulfillment of Mitzvos, and both of you are of the same mind, that the laws of the Shulchan Aruch must not be compromised.

Furthermore, to achieve true peace and harmony calls for making such concessions willing and graciously –not grudgingly, as if it were a sacrifice, as mentioned above, but in the realization that it is for the benefit of one’s self and one’s partner in life, and for one’s self perhaps even more, since it is made in fulfillment of G-d’s will.”

Step 3. The way to achieve this is through understanding both what it says in Kabbalah and in the Licha Dodi Mamer and in Shulchan Aruch that man is blessed with Parnosah and in all ways based on how he treats his wife – we certainly find the time to treat our best costumer with dignity respect and courtesy.

The Couple Will Hear A Small Drush (lesson) on this.

Point # 4 And if our Sages exhort every Jew to receive every person with a friendly face, certainly it applies to one’s wife or husband.

Step 4 This teaches the important of how to greet each other – happily – those moments (like when you see a friend) are priceless

The Couple Will Hear A Small Drush (lesson) on this.

Point # 5 “There are many sayings of our Sages, as well as those of our Rebbes, urging husband and wife always to discuss matters of mutual concern, and to give patient attention to the opinion of the other and then act in mutual agreement.”

Step 5 It is important to have a communication meeting once a week – this can be done with me or / and hopefully the couple (once learning how.)

The Couple Will Either With Myself (hopefully) Learn How To Set Up A Weekly Communication.

Point # 6 “It is also very desirable that they should have at least one regular study period in a section of Torah which is of interest to both, such as the weekly Torah portion, or a timely subject connected with a particular season or festival.”

Step 6 The Couple Should Set Up A Weekly Torah Study

Point # 7 “It may sometimes seem difficult for the husband to take time out of his preoccupations to discuss mutual problems with his wife, or study Torah with her, but he should not look at it as a sacrifice. On the contrary, he should do it eagerly, in fulfillment of the most important Mitzvah – Sholom Bayis – Peace in the Home. And if any Mitzvah has to be carried out with joy, how much more so such a fundamental Mitzvah.”

To appreciate that the entire goal of God is the male/female union, as we know the entire Torah was given for the sake of peace!

Step 7 The Couple Will Hear A Small Drush (lesson) on this.

Point # 8 “Finally, I would like to add that of the Mitzvah campaigns which have been emphasized in recent years, special attention has been focused on the mitzvah of Ahavas Yisroel [the love for fellow man,] which embraces everyone, even a stranger; how much more so a near and dear one.”

Love must begin with our loved ones

The Couple Will Hear A Small Drush (lesson) on this.

Full letter below

Mechanism To Start Make Your Marriage Great

I need to hear from both spouses that they are interested – contact me

We will set up – depending – a weekly one to one in half hour session

Cost – if affordable – $100 per session – otherwise a. what you can afford b. we never turn down anyone – your Marriage is Priceless (if money is an issue, you can pay whenever.)

“I received some information about the relationship at home, but I do not know to what extent it reflects the actual situation. Hence I want to convey to you some thoughts in light of what the relationship should be according to Shulchan Aruch [The Code of Jewish Law] – the Jews practical guide in life. If the relationship is, indeed, in keeping with it, the purpose of this letter will be to strengthen and deepen it, as there is always room for improvement in all matters of goodness and holiness, Torah and Mitzvos. On the other hand, if it is not quite what it should be, I trust that, since the Torah is surely a guiding light, you will bring it up to the desired level, and you will do it with joy and gladness of heart.

The central aspect in the manner of conducting a home and family life, is, that it be based on the way of the Torah, whose ways are “ways of pleasantness, and all of its paths are peace.” If this rule applies to all activities of a Jew, even outside the home, how much more so does it apply within the home itself.

Of course, since G-d has created human beings with minds and feelings of their own, and these are not uniform in all people, peace and harmony can be achieved only on the basis of “give and take” that is, meeting each other half-way. For a husband and wife to make concessions to each other is not, and should not be considered a sacrifice, G-d forbid. On the contrary, this is what the Torah teaches and expects, for we are talking about concessions that do not involve compromise in regard to the fulfillment of Mitzvos, and both of you are of the same mind, that the laws of the Shulchan Aruch must not be compromised.

Furthermore, to achieve true peace and harmony calls for making such concessions willing and graciously –not grudgingly, as if it were a sacrifice, as mentioned above, but in the realization that it is for the benefit of one’s self and one’s partner in life, and for one’s self perhaps even more, since it is made in fulfillment of G-d’s will. And if our Sages exhort every Jew to receive every person with a friendly face, certainly it applies to one’s wife or husband.

There are many sayings of our Sages, as well as those of our Rebbes, urging husband and wife always to discuss matters of mutual concern, and to give patient attention to the opinion of the other and then act in mutual agreement. It is also very desirable that they should have at least one regular study period in a section of Torah which is of interest to both, such as the weekly Torah portion, or a timely subject connected with a particular season or festival.

While the major obligation to study Torah is on men, it has been emphasized that women, too, have to fulfill the mitzvah of Torah study in areas where they are directly involved, as explained in the laws of Torah study. All the more so in the present day and age, when women have the possibility – hence obligation – to do their share of spreading Judaism no less than men.

It may sometimes seem difficult for the husband to take time out of his preoccupations to discuss mutual problems with his wife, or study Torah with her, but he should not look at it as a sacrifice. On the contrary, he should do it eagerly, in fulfillment of the most important Mitzvah – Sholom Bayis – Peace in the Home. And if any Mitzvah has to be carried out with joy, how much more so such a fundamental Mitzvah.

Finally, I would like to add that of the Mitzvah campaigns which have been emphasized in recent years, special attention has been focused on the mitzvah of Ahavas Yisroel [the love for fellow man,] which embraces everyone, even a stranger; how much more so a near and dear one.

I hope and pray that each of you will make every effort in the direction outlined above and will do so with real joy and gladness of heart, and may G-d grant that you should have true Nachas [joy] –which is Torah Nachas, from each other and jointly from your offspring, in happy circumstances materially and spiritually.”

Great Communication Video