A Guide to Marriage for Ladies



                                                                                        

 

Dear Ladies,

 

So you know about the creature; hairy, aggressive, dominant; he frightens you and mystifies you; “how do I tame this creature and get him to work for me?”

 

Men don’t understand women and women don’t understand men

 

I have discovered that men don’t understand women and women don’t understand men. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus is all about bridging the understanding gap; Helping each partner understand the other. However, what Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus doesn’t explain is why men and women are different.

 

Thank G-d using my knowledge of souls as it comes from the Kabbalah, meaning the blueprint of the soul, it is far easier to understand a man. (I confess as a man I still don’t understand women that well.)

 

Firstly let me regal you with a whole bunch of quotations on the different purposes of men and women.

 

Who says that your job is less important than mine?

 

I was at a Shabbos lunch this past Shabbos and we were discussing some of the radical feminist approaches to equaling the imbalance. One of the young men at the table said that one woman at work was telling him about the ridicules extremes she was going in order to be like a man. He told her “who says that your job is less important than mine.”

 

Respect your Mission

 

In other words fundamentally we all have been placed on this world for a mission. I can certainly tell you I would love to have a baby. I think that there can be no greater contribution to humanity, no greater legacy, no greater achievement, than the ability to give birth. I believe all of men’s achievements are second best compared to the achievement of bringing another person into this world, an achievement for which the women labor and really do the vast majority of the work.

 

In the following quotations coming from Toward A Meaningful Life you will see this theme “separate but equal” – both charged by G-d with paramount missions.

 

Furthermore you will see Judaism’s (and thus truth’s) genuine respect for the female; so that you should truly say “My job is more important than his.”

 

Subtly Guide Your Spouse

 

That being said it is important that you understand the male mission for you have been blessed with the unique opportunity to help guide your spouse along his turbulent and often confusing mission.

 

Women Power

 

The Talmud tells how two men married two women. Both men were influenced by their wives. The good wife turned the average man into a good man and the bad wife turned the average man into a bad man. This shows the powerful influence a woman can have on a man. And if this was the case thousands of years ago before equality it is magnified a thousand fold now.

 

Women are very very powerful. And they have the special task of not only fulfilling their own mission in life but that of being a noble support and guide for their husbands.

 

Selfless unconditional love and selfish conditional love

 

It must also be mentioned another fundamental approach to all relationships and that is that there are two kinds of loves. Selfless unconditional love and selfish conditional love. Selfless unconditional love is all about you giving, sharing, caring, loving, and never ceasing to love; it is based on admiration, respect, and genuine love while selfish conditional love is actually all about me, – taking, hording, conspiring, scheming – it is based on a person’s own needs and desires and their self-love and ceases as soon as their conditions are not met.

 

Examples

 

The Mishnah explains: What is an example of selfish conditional love? Amnons rape of Tamar. Amnon was “love-sick” for his half sister the princess and eventually raped her. The second he finished his terrible heinous crime he hated her with the same intensity that he loved her before, this is because he never really loved her. There was something else he loved and the minute the condition was met the loved ceased. What is an example of selfless unconditional love? David and Jonathan. David was being chased by King Saul as King Saul rightly assumed he would be the next king of Israel; Jonathan was the crown prince, however far from conspiring with his father he actually saved David’s life. That’s about you, not about me.

 

Conditional Love

 

If the love is conditional and selfish in nature then a relationship will be rocky to begin with, and when a person realizes that their wants and needs are not being met they will opt out either through divorce, emotional detachment, criticism, or finding other passions and hobbies. Only a relationship which is based on higher ideals and values can really last.

 

Unity In Higher Ideals

 

Our sages teach that the Hebrew word for man is Ish and the Hebrew word for women is Ishah. Both words have Aish in them: Aish means fire, however both words have one letter of G-d’s name in it, Yud and Hay, so if the man is devoted to his mission in life, and the women to hers, and more importantly if they unite in a joint mission than a genuine selfless love, unconditional in nature, can ensue, however if they are both basically selfish in nature the very foundation of their love is very rocky at best.

 

Attraction Causes

 

Furthermore if they can see each other’s souls, their goodness and kindness, their potential to do good, then they can have genuine respect; however if they are only looking at physique, what will happen if the physique changes? Will there still be love and unconditional support?

 

A Woman Must Support Her Husband’s Purpose

 

So uniting in a higher mission is actually fundamental to peace at home. For this reason it is of such great importance that the woman understand her husband’s mission and thus try to support it for then there can be true peace at home.

 

Hold Your Tongue / Fire

 

One note: According to the Lubavitcher Rebbe (who was an expert at creating harmony in marriages,) it is better to have peace than to be right. In other words peace is a greater ideal than truth. Even if you are absolutely right, creating friction is not an ideal, and will only cause your spouse to become distant. Women often make this mistake as G-d has blessed them with sharp tongues. You can win the battle, but lose the war. The most common reason men distance themselves in a relationship is because a woman’s tongue has destroyed the harmony and peace (and this includes when she is right.) Research proves that men go under stress (with some serious heart palpitations) when coming under a woman’s tongues. The net effect is that they emotionally turn off; they stonewall in order not to repeat the distress (which often causes the women to tongue lash more, but only causes a greater and greater barrier between them.) (Even if you have this problem it is not too late, for simply by stopping the “scary” behavior your spouse will feel secure and than a normal and healthy relationship will ensue.)

 

Count Your Blessings

 

Another very important point and this is particularly for woman: In the Appendix of John Gottman’s Seven Principles For Marriage – which is a very well researched book – he mentions that in 85 percent of marriages the actual problem is that one of the spouses has what I call “dark sunglasses” on. For whatever reason he or she (and most often she) sees everything through a state of fear and anxiety with the result that the world seems a bad place to live in. This causes her to see negativity in her spouse for the sunglasses are programmed only to see bad. However the world is not actually a bad place; yes there are reasons to fear, but there are countless blessings as well. The author suggests to use the technique of Jewish prayer to save your marriage (and he writes that he did this for his marriage and he became a less critical and better spouse): Jewish prayer is all about praising G-d. G-d doesn’t need our praises, so why are we praising him? The answer is that we need to praise. Why do we need to praise? Because when we are grateful for what we have (particularly to an entity that has given us what we have) we become loving people. Love works as a reciprocal feeling so when you recognize what G-d has given you will automatically feel love back. Now you will see a different world, a good world, a world where the good are rewarded or at least a world in where everyone has something. If you think about human needs the things that we need most are given to us “free, gratis, and for nothing.” We need oxygen more than anything else and it is available freely. We need gravity and it is also available freely, we need water and it is also plentiful, we need sunlight which is also miraculously available in perfect quantities and it is only as our need decreases so too does the commodity become scarcer. The point is that there are so many countless blessings in this world that we only need to recognize them to be happy people.

 

Happiness

 

Our sages teach: Who is rich, S/he who is happy with what they have. There are very unhappy wealthy people and very happy poor people. In fact research indicates that people who have less are happier than people who have more. (This book is not the place to go into why, however happiness is about being happy with what you have, “counting your blessings” and has absolutely no connection to what you have.)

 

I am now reprinting quotes from the chapter “Women and Men – Uniting Forces” in Toward a Meaningful Life. (By the way there will be many other chapters in this great book which you will be interested in such as Home and Family – Building a Garden for Yourself and for G-d; Intimacy – The Sanctity of Sexuality; Love – The Purest Expression of the Soul and more.)

 

Equality

 

“One of the most trenchant and volatile issues of our time is how men and women relate to one another. After many years of male dominated hierarchies, women are determined to be treated fairly and equally in the workplace, in the classroom, in government, and within the family. Indeed, in all of life.

 

Will the struggle ever end or are men and women destined for perpetual conflict? What are the roots of this strife? And most importantly, what are the unique roles of men and women?”

 

Identity

 

“These questions are compelling, for how we define ourselves as men and women greatly determines who we are and how we live our lives. How we identify with our gender lies at the very core of a person’s essence.”

 

Inherent Differences

 

“Contemporary society is just beginning to delve into the true distinctions between men and women. Besides the obvious physiological differences, there are also differences in the way men and women think, speak, and behave. Some of this is due to social conditioning, but some can also be traced to the inherent characteristics of each gender.”

 

The Challenge

 

“Great is the challenge today for men and women to be inherently honest about their relationships with their particular gender.”

 

Social Engineering / Programming

 

“Increasingly the boundary has been obfuscated. Ostensibly, men and women are alike. But are they? There is a mass identity crises a brew: Each gender, in an earnest attempt for equality, has sacrificed its own uniqueness. In school, at work, and in the community, men and women have been nearly fully integrated, and as a result, questions abound about their similarities and differences. Trying to conform to society and especially the work marketplace, men and women often behave in ways that suppress their natures. In order to protect themselves, they may be overly aggressive; in order to please everyone, they may be unduly passive.”

 

“Our perception of gender roles has been shaped and distorted by many years of social programming, manipulation, and abuse. Many men have used their strength to dominate women and abuse their positions of authority. And women, eager to make their own mark on society, have grown increasingly frustrated. In a backlash effort, some women have become equally aggressive in asserting themselves.”

 

How can we untangle this mess and reveal the true man and true woman the lie beneath the distortions? First we need to understand how and why G-d created man and woman.

 

“The question many people ask is this: Did G-d create man and woman as equals? This is the equivalent of asking whether an engineer built two part of a machine equally – the parts may be utterly different from one another, but without either one, the machine would either cease to function or malfunction. As the sages state, “G-d did not create anything in vain.”

 

“So we must recognize that man and women were created by design as two equal beings yet each with a distinct role to play toward one unified goal.”

 

“In order to understand the essential nature of man and woman, we must put aside limited human subjectivity and peer through G-d’s eyes. All human beings, men and women, were created for the same purpose – to fuse body and soul in order to make themselves and their world a better and holy place. In their service to G-d there is absolutely no distinction between a man and a woman; the difference lies only in the manner in which their service manifests itself.”

 

“Men and woman have been given different tools with which to fulfill their common goal. Indeed, their physiological, emotional, and psychological differences are as a result of their divergent spiritual mandates as instructed by G-d.”

 

“Were each of us destined to fulfill exactly the same role in life, there would be no need for so many forms of expression.”

 

“G-d created the human race as one entity and then divided them into two: “A single individual with two faces.” Just as each person is composed of two elements, a body and a soul, which we must learn to fully integrate, man and woman are the two elements of humankind.”

 

Merging and Growing

 

“The unity between a man and woman is most profoundly expressed in the framework of a marriage, through which both a man and a woman, each in his or her own way, can achieve the fullest potential for growth by learning to transcend their own individuality. Man and woman are drawn to each other because they each yearn to connect to the other half, the partner with whom they were originally joined before they were divided into two; Paradoxically through the merging of one’s self with another, a person has the capacity to reach his or her most personal essence, his or her real individuality.”

 

What are the roles of Man and Woman

 

In order to appreciate the harmony between men and women, we must appreciate their sameness in serving G-d. When men and women humbly recognize and join in their shared purpose, with an understanding that through their sameness, self-actualization of the most personal form will follow, they can develop mutual respect for one another – as true equals. When they serve only their own needs, there is room for discord between them.

 

Why did G-d create man and woman?

 

 But the question remains: Why did G-d create man and woman, and what is the particular role of each?

 

Man and woman represent two forms of Divine energy; they are the male and female elements of a single soul, indeed, every aspect of the entire universe is distinguished by these two dimensions.

 

Two Divine Energies

 

G-d is neither masculine nor feminine, but has two forms of emanation: the masculine form, which is more assertive, and the feminine form, which is more subtle. For a human being to lead a total life, he or she must have both forms of energy: the power of expression and the power of deliberation, the power of strength and the power of subtlety, the power of giving and the power of receiving. And, ideally, these energies are merged seamlessly.

 

Man and woman encompass both dimensions. In general, though – and in their most spiritual pure form, undistorted by social and cultural pressures – man and woman primarily embody one of these two energies.

 

Men Are Externally Orientated While Woman Are Inner Dignity

 

Men are physically stronger. By nature, a man is often more assertive and externally oriented. In dramatic contrast, a woman often embodies the ideal of inner dignity.

 

The Nature of a Woman is Subtle, Not Weak. And the Nature of Man is Assertive, Not Brutish.

 

Society at times mistakes such subtlety and calls it weakness; in truth, it is more formidable than the most aggressive physical force. True human dignity does not holler; it speaks in a strong steady voice; it resonates from within. The nature of a woman is subtle, not weak. And the nature of man is assertive, not brutish.

 

Feminine energy is who you are and masculine energy is what you do.

 

For man and woman to be complete, then, they must each possess both energies. Ones noblest values or ideals become meaningless unless they are actualized. So too, action without the dictate of an inner voice of truth is also meaningless.

 

Man And Woman’s Primary Roles

 

In general, the man’s primary role is to utilize his aggressive masculine energy to refine the material world, while the woman’s primary role is to utilize her subtle fine energy to reveal the innate G-dliness in all that exists.

 

Man and Woman

 

The man “goes out” in search of G-dliness, the woman absorbs G-dliness. The man provides the seed to create life, the woman bears life. The man teaches his children how to live, the woman is life. The man gives love, the woman is love.

 

Incorporate Your Male Or female Side

 

This is not to say that only man can refine the outside world or that only a woman can reveal innate goodness. Indeed, experience has proved that in “conquering” and creating change in the world, the feminine approach can often be more effective than the masculine approach, which often hinges on confrontation. So the man must access his sensitivity and subtly, while a woman must access her assertion when necessary.

 

Be Yourself

 

The answer is not for men and women to be alike – nor for that matter, for men to be like other men, and women like other women. All men and women must be themselves, realizing that G-d has given to each of us unique abilities with which to pursue our goals, and our primary responsibility is to take full advantage of these abilities.

 

We are Each Responsible to G-d and Society.

 

 

G-d asks of man to understand himself in context of his maleness, which incorporates his “feminine self,” and asks of woman to understand herself in context of her femininity, which incorporates her “male self.” And, above all we are ultimately each responsible as a freestanding human being, to G-d and society.

 

Appreciate Differences

 

In order to unite forces in a wholesome and constructive fashion, men and women must first learn to appreciate their true selves and their true differences.

 

Bringing G-d Into The Marriage

 

This includes a certain modesty and mutual respect in their manner of dress, conduct, and communication, as well as recognizing that a physical union between man and woman is only possible within the Divine union of marriage. It is no coincidence that a good marriage also requires both the feminine and masculine dimension, so that a couple cooperates to build a strong union while having the introspective faith to face life’s inevitable vicissitudes.

 

Man – From the Soul Down

 

The soul looks like this:

 

ESSENTIAL SOUL:

Keter -Crown

Pleasure / Joy

 Desire

 

SOUL ABILITIES:

A.  Intellectual

 

1. Chochmah (Brain)                                                    Wisdom, Insight

2. Binah (Heart)                          Comprehension, Understanding

3. Daas                                        Knowledge, Conviction

 


B.    EMOTIONAL

 

 

1. Chesed             -Love –                    Kindness, Giving                      

2. Gevurah            -Fear –             Severity, Withdrawing            

3. Tiferes    Mercy- Balance of Giving and Withdrawing

 

 

4. Netzach              -Power –                 Victory, Winning                     

5. Hod                    -Unity –                  Beauty, Harmony                             

6. Yesod        Connection – Balance between Winning and Harmony

7. Malchus             – Humility –                          Kingship                                   

 

The Three Columns

 

As you can see there are ten levels to each soul with the crown being Pleasure / Joy and Desire however the soul is also split into three columns as such:

 

Binah (Heart)                          Comprehension, Understanding

 

Chochmah (Brain)                                                    Wisdom, Insight

 

Daas                                        Knowledge, Conviction

 

Gevurah            -Fear –             Severity, Withdrawing            

 

Chesed             -Love –                    Kindness, Giving                      

 

Tiferes    Mercy- Balance of Giving and Withdrawing

 

Hod                    -Unity –                  Beauty, Harmony                             

 

Netzach              -Power –                 Victory, Winning                     

 

Yesod        Connection – Balance between Winning and Harmony

 

 

Malchus             – Humility –                          Kingship                                   

 

 

This is a very brief description and there are thousands of Kabbalistic books that explain it in great detail, the various levels of the soul.

 

The Male Makeup

 

The male soul is predominantly the right column;

 

Thus the male soul has a predominance of:

 

1

Chochmah (Brain)                                                    Wisdom, Insight

 

2

Chesed             -Love –                    Kindness, Giving                      


 

3

Netzach              -Power –                 Victory, Winning                     

 

By starting from 3 to 1 it will be seen how it truly represents the male characteristics.

 

Men Love Competitions Women Love Harmony

 

I recall walking through an Elementary School during recess and the boys were playing a competitive ball game while the lovely girls were holding hands and singing together. This was at a very young age. It is not social conditioning; you can go to any school ground before puberty (when men and women begin to become attracted to each other) and you will see the boys and girls playing separately; but most importantly the boys will be playing competitive games while the girls will be working on harmony (the left column is the feminine side which shows that the corresponding level to power is harmony).

 

Men Love Safe Competition

 

One study proves this even in adulthood. Men and women were given a competitive game to play and then were asked if they would like to continue playing the competitive game; 70 percent of men did while only 30 percent of women did.

 

Men Love Winning

 

We see from this conclusively that men enjoy competition while women don’t. Men love a fight (this doesn’t mean they love fighting, they don’t, but they enjoy a safe fight like an arm wrestle, sports etc.) They are often addicted to sports which is really all about winning. Imagine men watching a sports game that didn’t have a winner. Men love winning, it makes them feel really good. Women often mistake a man’s physical strength as having a strong or healthy ego (and sometimes relative to a woman’s fears they are strong) but the truth is that very few men actually feel very good about themselves. True strength is dignity, it doesn’t holler, it knows that it is good and doesn’t need to tell anybody about it.

 

Healthy Self Esteem

 

Think about a King (although it is difficult for us to imagine a King) a king never had to shout for he had no need to, he could simply talk and everything that he requested would get done. True strength doesn’t need a fancy suit or a fancy car for it holds inner dignity, inner strength, which is precisely the nobility of a woman (or the ideal woman.) So the fact is, that many men often cover up their own inherent weaknesses by the perfect suit or materiel surrounding. This is always a sign of an unhealthy self esteem not a good one. If you see a man in the latest fashion clothes wearing the perfect designer sunglasses run far far away. This man doesn’t have the true self pride from knowing his own goodness and is covering himself up with phony apparel to give himself the image that he is important but no amount of masks can cover up the truth.

 

This doesn’t mean a man should look shabby; a man should look clean and neat, however that is not what he is about; if his identity is his clothes then he in fact has no real true identity, a true man should have great inner dignity, a bit like a king, in an assertive masculine and good sense. A good example of this was Rabbi Shneersohn who although being a very humble,  – and I mean very humble man, – nonetheless resonated a strong, passionate, dedication and conviction in everything he did. His voice was the voice of conviction to higher ideals not a mask of an inferiority complex.

 

Good and Bad

 

Everything in this world can be used for good or bad, so the man’s desire for competition can be a very good thing if the man himself is good. For then his desire will be to beat evil, to beat negativity, and to pursue goodness at all cost. Conversely if the man himself is bad, than this desire is a thousand fold worse for than his competitive spirit will be for evil, for harming others, raping etc.

 

Bad Boys Are Bad

 

Unfortunately women today have been so brainwashed by television and movies into thinking that the ideal man is actually the bad boy. He seems to get the attention, however such a person is not the ideal mate; if anything he will only cause you grief and aggravation. As mentioned before, there are two kind of loves, selfish and selfless, the bad boy may seem attractive however he is only focused on himself and while you are with him you are simply a trophy and he’ll exchange you as soon as a better trophy comes along, and you can’t change him for this is an internal process which cannot be changed externally.

 

(Incidentally one of the mistakes most women make is they marry a guy, and then think, “I’ll change him after we are married.” They don’t realize that as the man traditionally had the superior role in marriage, it is like someone getting into a company as an employee thinking “once I am hired I will change the company.”)

 

The Sexual Destruction

 

Women today have been so shortchanged by the sexual revolution; for while before, a man had the biological desire to marry, now he doesn’t; in fact he has a biological desire not to marry, for then he feels tied down. The average person has seven serious relationships before getting married. Compare this with a girl from the religious world (that do not have pre-marital sex,) she may have one or two heartbreaks and the third time will get married. Furthermore the rate of divorce amongst the sexual revolution people is at least 60% while in the religious (at least Jewish) community it is about 2% percent.

 

How Men and Women See Sex

 

Rabbi Shmulie Boteach the author of Kosher Sex writes that a young women in Oxford (where he served as the Rabbi) complained that her relationship with her boyfriend was leading nowhere. He told her “Don’t have sex until he will marry you.” Of course the woman didn’t feel she could be so chutzpahdik / to take such a drastic step and they ended up separating. For a woman, sex is always an emotional commitment of the highest level, for a man it is pleasure at the highest level.

 

The Path to the Aisle is Through Abstinence

 

Women today should be strong and not delude themselves that if they have sex with a man before marriage they will get his commitment; it doesn’t work like that. In fact men will be far more respectful and desiring of a woman who dates but refuses to have sex before marriage. In fact her chances are far greater to get married. Part of the competitive nature in men desires to win a woman, and a woman who is an easy prize takes away this desire to win her. So a woman who really wants to attract a man should play tough to bed. This will give her, her own dignity, her own morality, make her highly esteemed in her dates eyes, and lead to a quicker marriage proposal. This doesn’t mean that it will be all glorious afterwards. As mentioned before, there needs to be a commitment to higher ideals for there to be selfless love, however if we are talking about walking down the aisle, the path to the aisle is through abstinence.

 

I would really recommend that you try this, and you have nothing to lose, as in any event statistics show that there will be seven serious relationships before he pops the question.

 

Children Are a Right and Joy

 

Additionally women need to insist on their desire to have children. Society has foolishly suppressed this wonderful gift of having a child. We see from the messed up movie stars that it is only a child that creates stability in their lives and gives them purpose and joy. Having a child is one of the best things a person can do for themselves and particularly a woman whose purpose in life includes having children will feel such great joy and love; so once a women is married she has the definite right to insist on having children. I feel so sorry for those people who have only had one or two children, as modern society looks down upon people with many kids, as if they are rabbits. I have never ever met anyone who regrets having a child (and I have met a lot people from really large families including 9 and 10 children) while I have met a lot of people who regret not having more children. It all depends on ones attitude. If you are interested in your own peace and comfort you might say “why should I bother myself with more work?” However if you realize that the only real joy in this world is through love for your child and giving to them, then you’ll realize the more the merrier. The fact is that one only needs to look at the joy in the larger families and the plastic like relationships in the small families to see this empirically.

 

The Joy Of Children

 

Modern society was good at giving us gadgets but really bad at giving us life fulfilling advice. Essentially the gadgets are for comfort however the human soul does not seek comfort it seeks joy, and joy comes through positive achievements, and there can be no greater achievement than the achievement of having children.

 

Unity Due To The Shared Goal Of Having and Raising Children

 

In fact it should be this very goal that unites a husband and wife, the goal of having and raising happy, healthy, good children. This goal can really unite two people for it is so great, so all encompassing, and takes so much time and effort, that the shared purpose of it can create harmony between the husband and wife.

 

Discus Your Man’s Attitude On Having Children While Dating

 

You should talk to someone you date about his attitudes on having children. If you can’t change it now, don’t think you will change it in the future. If he has a negative attitude, drop him like a hot potato, for your happiness depends on his attitude towards having children.

 

The other feature in the man’s soul is Chesed /  Love – Kindness and Giving.

 

Two Kinds Of Giving

 

Men enjoy being givers, it helps their sense of self and their fragile egos. Furthermore this is a good thing; however within being a giver there are two manners diametrically opposed, the first is as one guy I know who loved helping people yet at the same time this guy was a sadist who loved destroying peoples self esteem. How can it be that the same person contained two contradictory elements, the reason was that his giving was completely selfish; it boosted his ego, it made him feel better about himself, just as when he was a sadist – destroying other peoples self esteem – did.

 

The True Reason For Giving

 

Picture a see saw, the person with the low ego always wants to raise it in order to be above others and thus both giving as well as destroying another were methods for this nut-case to get his ego boosted. I should mention that this man was abusive to his wife. The true manner of giving is giving out of concern for the other, selfless unconditional giving. This is a good man who has empathy with another, (a women should be smart enough to be able to tell if a man is giving because it makes him proud or if he is giving because he has empathy) this man loves helping however (and here is the fundamental difference between the two men) he actually prefers if he didn’t have to help. I tell people who I need to counsel that I wish I didn’t have to. (For example as a Rabbi sometimes I need to counsel mourners and although it makes me feel good that I helped someone, I really wish that I didn’t need to help them in the first place. This is like the difference between the doctor who loves helping people and the doctor who is upset that people are sick in the first place.)

 

G-d has given women a sixth sense (an extra amount of Binah as you can see in the left column,) this gives the women, sometimes a better understanding of men and human nature than men themselves have. It is really important for a woman to use this sixth sense when dating. Firstly, as mentioned, women need to eliminate the bad boy attraction, for marrying a bad boy will be walking into hell and smiling as you enter.

 

Unfortunately many men and women have no concept about higher ideals. The Lubavitcher Rebbe (who as mentioned before was an expert on creating harmony in marriage) would often say that a couple should spend more time spiritually preparing for marriage than on the wedding celebration itself.

 

Three Makes A Marriage

 

How does one spiritually prepare for marriage? By realizing that what you are about to get into is a Divine union. Man is finite, we are limited, we live for a number of years and then pass away. However G-d is infinite, he is eternal, when you marry and have the ability to have children you have now touched eternity, for your children can have children ad infinitum. This ability to touch eternity is because G-d unites in your marriage enabling you to touch eternity through the miracle of birth. So if you truly realize what eternity means and realize that now you have a triple union between man woman and G-d then you begin to realize how great and holy your marriage really is.

 

Understanding the holiness and sanctity of the marriage is one of the most important factors in preserving it and working on it.

 

Finally the highest level in man is Chochmah (Brain)  Wisdom, Insight.

 

What Energizes a Man

 

Insight is the unique ability to come up with new ideas. This is one of G-d’s gifts to man, to figure things out, to come up with solutions and it is something men love doing. A lot of “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” is about explaining how the man’s mind, (and the reward of it,) works. This is why in “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” he often explains that men love to fix things. This is actually a sign of a man’s love for a woman. When he immediately fixes things whether they are emotional, financial, or other, his love and ego are expressed through fixing things. This is one of the great points of contentions between men and women, for men don’t like getting into the emotional psychobabble, they like to go out and fix. Often they may need time to come up with a solution but they will prefer to think it up all by themselves and only then go and do it.

 

Why Men Don’t Listen

 

If you look carefully at the fundamental theme of most movies (which are made for men – for women will go to a man’s movie but a man usually won’t go to a women’s movie) it is about some hero figuring out the solution and doing it. However sopies are all about conversation, dialogue, backstabbing, healing etc. In other words what appeals to a man is the superman concept “I will fix your problem.” Women often simply want a shoulder to cry on or at least to lean on and men often simply don’t realize it, for they are built differently. As a women’s primary function is in the home she is designed by G-d as an exceptional perceiver of human emotions. Research indicates that while men can only hear three pitches in human voices, women can hear five, so they can detect emotions that men simply can’t. Secondly their brains are larger and they understand what is going on around them better than men. Unfortunately society has received an old fashioned notion that men are smarter than women (although in regards to conceiving new ideas and plans this is true) and thus many a man has internalized this concept and thus feels privileged to teach his dumb wife what to do while often she needs someone to talk to.

 

Let Your Husband Give

 

My suggestion for women is don’t try to make your guy into a listener, I don’t think he is psychologically up to it, or possibly mentally capable of doing it. Make your guy into your hero. Allow him to help you, guide him to do things for you, he will get great satisfaction from doing this and this will build his love for you. There is more than one reason why the male is the giver and the female the receiver. This is an emotional need on both parts. For the man to actualize his identity, he needs to give, and the female needs to receive in a dignified manner. So allow your husband to be a giver, receive graciously, politely, warmly, and with love.

 

Modern Society Places an Unreasonable Expectation On A Couple

 

I further believe that today’s western society has placed an unreasonable expectation on a couple. Once upon a time people lived in villages. The men did men’s work, the women did women’s work and it was all done together. The men worked together and the women worked together. This had the effect of allowing people to talk. Their relationships were sacred, and put on a pedestal, but they did not need to get all of their social needs out of a relationship. These days a person doesn’t really have a community to call home. Every couple is an island onto themselves and this places an unnecessary and perhaps impossible strain on a relationship. The guy needs the girl to be a guy and the girl needs the guy to be a girl. They are simply put, very lonely without their relationship, however both the guy and the girl resent the guy talk and the girl talk for they both want their own kind of talk. Often it is the woman who suffers in silence, politely listening to the guys rambling and the guy doesn’t even know that the girl has a need for girl talk.

 

Get A Friend Of Your Own Sex

 

To this end “buy yourself a friend”. This is a weird term, what does it mean to “buy yourself a friend?” In one of the greatest ancient books on wisdom – Pirkei Avos – the sages say that everyone should buy a friend. What they mean by this is that there are many many people who are willing to be your friend (particularly of your own sex,) all you need to do is buy them. Invite them out, spend a bit of money on them and before you know it that person will realize you are a giver and they will be your friend, (not for the reward, but you have bought their trust and you have earned a friendship.) There is nothing better than to have a friend of your own sex to fall back on during some tuff times. You need a friend, and believe me there are millions of people like you who also need a friend. It is also important not to get jealous of your husband’s boyfriends. The reason is that this allows him to de-stress, have a good time, and be a husband. He can be a far better husband if he has good friends than if he doesn’t. This doesn’t mean you need to approve of all his friends, particularly unsavory characters, but it does mean that you should give him a lot of leeway in terms of hanging out with his friends, if they are mature and responsible people, for this will allow him to be a better husband to you.

 

Unite In Higher Ideals

 

Finally and perhaps most importantly you need to work for higher ideals, you should go to synagogue or church, you should embrace new age mysticism / spirituality, a path in life. By forging together meaningfully you will enter into a threesome bond between you, your spouse, and G-d.

One thought on “A Guide to Marriage for Ladies

  1. Sara August 20, 2012 at 6:17 am Reply

    interesting.

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