Marital Mediation/Unity Worksheet

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Marital Unity

The Practical Technique To Fulfill The Rebbe’s Directive
To Live Together With Mutually Agreed Upon Goals

Prepared By Rabbi Z. Wineberg (Mediator, specializing in family mediation)

Wife’s Desire

Husband’s Desire

Sample

Live in Crown Heights

Sample

Live in Boro Park

Mutual Goal

Sample

We will try to live in Crown Heights for one year. We will reassess how we feel about it then.

Technique:

Once a week (certainly once before marriage – preferably before engagement) the two of you should follow this technique to create mutual goals (for two horses pulling a wagon in one direction vs. in two different, makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE!)

Firstly, the wife should write a desire – next to it the husband should write how he feels.

Then the husband should write a desire and the wife should write how she feels.

If they both agree, then they should write in the loving-resolution, the resolution.

However, if there is disagreement, one of two options remains – the first is to see if there is a middle ground (see sample) the second is called flagging – just leave it for now. At a later stage you can either swap (so “I will give into a. in order for you to give into b.”) or see if any of you feel differently.

Wife’s Desire

Husband’s Desire

Loving Resolution

Wife’s Desire

Husband’s Desire

Loving Resolution

Our Mission Statement

This is a very important document as it is the mutual mission – it should ideally be done before engagement but it is always a great opportunity

Husband’s Desire

Wife’s Desire

Our Mission

Husband’s Desire

Wife’s Desire

Our Mission

As you can see, writing a joint mission statement is very important – this allows you to happily move forward. Similarly setting aside time weekly (say on Sunday – or Motzia Shabbos) to express any feelings, for inevitably as you are both human there will always be how you are feeling; and maturely making a rational suggestion and as the Rebbe says, giving patient consideration to your spouce’s feelings and then acting in mutual agreement, is perhaps the only way to have a long-term positive destiny.

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