Appendix 3

Kabbalah on Marital Intimacy

“Therefore man should leave his attachment to his father and mother and bond with his wife and they should become one body.”

I was giving a lecture in New York and I mentioned “sex.” One of the women came over to me afterwards and said, “Marital Intimacy, is a nicer word.”

Now that you know what I am talking about, you are probably wondering why, I, a Rabbi, am writing a booklet on Marital Intimacy?

The truth is, that “Reishis Chochmah”, one of the foremost books of Kabbalah, relating to the practical side of applying Kabbalah in one’s life, states that:

“Marital Intimacy is in fact the great goal of mankind!”

Highlighting the centrality of this book in Jewish mysticism, the disciples of the great Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi needed to know this book by-heart before they would come to study from him!

You know, one can tell how important something is by the challenges that are placed by the satan  (an angel created by The Creator to challenge our sincerity and devotion to The Creator / goodness and kindness.)

And if there ever has been a challenge, there is no greater challenge than to have good and holy marital intimacy.

I recall reading an article where the writer mentioned that people in the olden days used to ask their Rabbis about intimacy, and it appears that we should do so today as well!

Here is a fact: most couples stop having Marital Intimacy a few years after they are married.

Now the reason why this is so devastating can be traced to the fact that more than fifty percent of marriages today end in divorce. There is no doubt in my mind that the key to a happy marriage, is good Marital Intimacy.

When there is good marital intimacy (and we will define good later) unity of mind and body necessarily follow. And the key to a marriage, is unity of spirits. (When husband and wife are on the same wavelength.)

In fact, the Bible begins, as the primary reason for marriage, “It is not good for man to be alone… And therefore man should leave his attachments to his father and mother, and should unite with his wife and they should become one body.”

In other words, the very reason for the perception that Marital Intimacy is not a good action in many people’s minds, namely, Religion – is in fact advocating, as the primary purpose for marriage, or at least the primary mechanism to create harmony in marriage – marital intimacy!

(Christianity and specifically the Catholic Church created the illusion, that only due to the weakness of man, are people allowed to have Marital Intimacy – whereas their “priests” abstain.)

However the Creator of everyone and everything, our loving Father in Heaven most importantly and primarily created this world for unity and harmony / love.

The Creator of mankind desired harmony to ensue.

And in order to do this, He created a pleasure system, whereby two lovers would both gratify each other.

Hence, just like two people who give each other pleasurable presents would deepen their bond – similarly, the bond between these two people would be deepened as a result of their pleasurable act for one another.

Now, the great mistake made by the Church, as well as many other faiths, is that they see reality divided into two realms: 1. Moral, Spiritual, and devoid of pleasure, and the other one, Pleasurable, Decadent, and Sinfully-Delicious.

As such they assume that the greatest act of pleasure, must also be the greatest sin!

And hence we find the obsession in the media with sex, almost as if they are exposing a taboo.

The truth is, that the common human mistake of associating pleasure with sin, and morality with serious hardnosed self-discipline is wrong.

Morality is when humans unite with one another – for morality is defined by The Creator and this is what The Creator desires! As evidenced by the fact, that Rabbi Akiva states, that the most important commandment of the Bible is, to

“Love your friend as much as you love yourself!”

And it is really not so much about the love in your heart, rather the unity that the love in your heart will naturally create – for hearts reflect love.

Now, there is no better technique to unite two people than marital intimacy. I recall watching an Oprah show, which was all about marital intimacy in the bedroom – or should I say, the lack thereof.  And one woman spoke how she had Marital Intimacy as often as possible with her husband in order to maintain a good relationship, and when they don’t have it, their relationship with one another is not as good.

The whole audience applauded her, and the expert on the dais said that what she was doing, which was right, was that she was giving her attention to what was most important in her life – her relationship with her spouse. Which obviously affects her children, etc. What I find so ironic is that the very culture that has so idolized intercourse, has none of it.

In fact, the famous Kinsey surveys on intimacy in the bedroom discovered, that the group that has the most marital intimacy in a lifetime (obviously with the same partner) were Orthodox Jewish men.

Now, the very group, whom secularists laughed at for being too prude, were in fact having the most, again the most Marital Intimacy – more than any other group in America, which again is as ironic as it gets.

The secret to Jewish Marital Intimacy is quite simple – it is called “Taharas Hamishpacha” and is based on The Creator’s advice in the Bible.

Many psychologists have discovered that the primary reason that couples stop having Marital Intimacy is boredom.

The Talmud describes it, as usual, best: “There is a little limb in man, that the more you satisfy it, the less satisfied it gets; but the less you satisfy it, the more satisfied it gets.”

Now the Bible, The Creator’s wisdom and instructions for living both a happy and harmonious life states categorically, that from the onset of the period for five days, and then seven days following the cessation of blood, husband and wife should not have Marital Intimacy.

Now, the benefit is very simple indeed. Because religious Jews follows The Creator “religiously,” therefore, both husband and wife are “forced” to physically separate (…from intimacy) during these two weeks.

(BTW Gentiles too can choose this separation period.)

As a result, during these two weeks, their innate desire for one another is rekindled; and hence so many husbands and wives report they feel like newlyweds on the Mikvah night.

(The Mikvah is a body of water connected to original rainwater or a natural spring, in which the wife dunks in after the two weeks; and it spiritually rejuvenates the woman, and religiously allows for the Marital Intimacy to resume.)

There are many many books that deal with both the beauty and practicality of these rules – my booklet is more of a general nature.

The point is, that our whole attitude on Marital Intimacy has been clouded by the Church (and I am not blaming the Church, for as mentioned, it is a common human error/assumption.)

The Man’s Role

Now, another very important factor is that the Bible places the responsibility to initiate Marital Intimacy – in fact one of the three primary obligations a husband has to his wife – on the husband.

In other words it is the husband’s obligation to initiate Marital Intimacy.

It is his duty and responsibility, whether he is in the mood or not.

He must, again must (obviously only if his wife wants it) initiate and please his wife.

Now, this is the great challenge The Creator gave man.
For men “can’t be Dogs!” What do I mean by this?

Dogs are peculiar creatures. Having lived in South Africa – which is like a dog paradise, for everyone has guard dogs, I got to observe, up close and personal, their behavior. When they are in the “heat” / mood, boy they can’t stop barking at you.

They are so emotional, they cannot contain their passion! And are literally like a chicken without a head. However, when they are tired (perhaps hormonal etc.) you can walk past the same dog that a few hours ago would have gone absolutely ballistic over you, and it is as if he is dead!

Gone are his emotions, passion, excitement. He is just like a lazy lion, doing nothing.

In other words, men have a double challenge from The Creator. Firstly, to not be a “dog” in terms of not being able to control themselves. So, when they are excited and their wife is also interested, their Marital Intimacy must be focused on giving pleasure. One very clever Jewish lady whom I asked for some advice before marriage told me,

“If a woman does not receive pleasure during Marital Intimacy, she feels raped.”

On a very simple level the Talmud teaches that the reason The Tzaddikim (the Righteous Saints) are rewarded by G-d is because they spend a lot of time in marital intimacy. Studies show that to women what is most pleasurable is actually the Hug / The Marital Embrace.

As such a. simply ensuring that the atmosphere is one of sensitive mutual love, b. including as the Ramban teaches, telling a wife how dear she is to him, and c. Slowly! engaging, and truly holding / being together – is the husband’s marital duty and what will create an everlasting appreciation, unity, and love.

 So the husband cannot be a “dog.” He must have self- control. (The fact is, that self-control is a major subject in its own right and I don’t think it is possible to begin having self-control in bed.

A person needs to truly work on delaying gratification in order to learn how to have self-control.

Whenever you want say to have a chocolate, just put it down for two minutes, and this process of delaying gratification will educate you on how to have self-control – and you may be very proud of yourself for it!

Without self-control we really are like an instinctive animal; just running towards what gives us pleasure and recoiling from what we fear/what may harm us. But with self-control, we can become the greatest person in the world!)

Now, the second “dog challenge” is when the husband is not in the mood. Here, he needs to not be like a dog and figure, “Well, if I’m not in the mood to bark like a nutcase, then my owner doesn’t need protection from criminals either!”

He must realize, that his wife (obviously if she wants intimacy) loves him, and truly desires this Marital Intimacy. I think a good example of this would be as follows. Imagine someone who is hungry, but because you are too lazy, you don’t feed them!

What To Think

Now, an additional point must be mentioned, which is the importance of one’s thoughts during Marital Intimacy; particularly, if one is trying to conceive a child.

In Reishis Chochmah the story – true story – is told of a queen who gave birth to a dark child, and the king thought she committed adultery and wanted to kill her.

Now, one of his wisemen explained, that if she saw something black while they were conceiving, it could be that it caused the child to be dark.

In fact, Reishis Chochmah gives the following example (and you should apply this to every part of your life) Just like a hose of water – when you pour water into the hose, if it is arched in a semi-circle, then the water will reach to the height of where the person began filling it; similarly, our thoughts go into heaven and then become our destiny!

They checked in the royal bedroom and indeed found a black object where the queen was looking at.

In other words, the child that you will give birth to will be affected by your thoughts.

So you should firstly, never think of another woman, and I assume I need not tell women of other men.

But most importantly, you should picture something holy, like a letter from the Jewish Alphabet or the face of a Tzaddik/completely righteous individual, like the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem and Mendel Schneersohn.