The four relationship realities

1. All relationships consist in general not of two equal partners, rather, of a giver and receiver.

For example, the relationship of husband and wife is not like a mother-son relationship, rather, like a father-daughter relationship.

The relationship between a parent, is obviously one in which, the child looks up towards, and the parent must be loving towards the child!

Unless we understand this fundamental point, we will never experience joy in relationships.

I know of one family dynamic in which the father is too humble. He doesn’t see himself as a person of importance, therefore, he treats his kids as friends and doesn’t know how to treat his wife – even as my father once explained to me when after I received my Rabbinical degree and was perplexed by the admiration I was receiving from people, so he quoted the teaching of the prophet Samuel to the first exceptionally (too) humble King of the Jewish people Saul “Though you think nothing of yourself, you are the leader of the Jewish people“ – it was in fact Saul’s misplaced humility that allowed for great subsequent tragedies; for a leader, though must be humble, must know when to be assertive for a higher cause, and not allow others to step on them – but getting back to the original topic, when a person is the giver, they must realize that it makes no difference how small they perceive themselves to be, in the eyes of those who receive from them, particularly wife from husband, children from parents, employees from employer etc. you seem to be great based on the significance you have to the other person; hence, as we all seek to unite with greatness, they simply desire your attention.

2. Which leads us to the next principle in relationships and that is, people simply desire affection / attention / time – in other words, unconditional love.

3. Which brings us to the next fascinating point of relationships and that is the open versus closed state – now I don’t know if you have read Aristotle – for better or worse I have – and like Einstein, I was most amazed to see how he believed (though generally he was obviously a genius) that slaves were inferior.

In other words, even a great mind like Aristotle couldn’t see beyond – which is obvious for this reason – as they behaved reticently – the fact that it wasn’t their intrinsic “slave soul,” which made them reticent, it was their position in the relationship that did.

The Kabbalah of the Holy-Ari and somewhat in the Baal Shem Tov and synthesized clearly by the Rebbe, explains, the open and closed state.

Quite simply, the Rebbe synthesizes it as follows: the receiver is in the closed state, the giver in the open – Now the reason we get into the closed state is out of fear – a good example of this, is the emotions of the child or employee visa-a-via the emotions of the parent or boss.

The child or employee is in a constant state of fear, hence, they behave around the parent / boss very tepidly; in contrast, the parent or boss has no fear of the child or employee (BTW though a lot of people will deny this, this is also how the wife feels generally about her husband.) Therefore, it is the constant job of the giver, to always share love, warmth, happiness, to shift the receiver’s heart from the closed / fearful, to the open / loving state!

4. Ultimately relationships are there to grow us, particularly the husband wife relationship, which the Bible clearly states “It is not good for man to be alone, I will make a help, opposing him.”

Many are the commentaries on how and why the Creator says a “help opposing” but here are the most important two.

Firstly, the Baal Shem Tov teaches “What’s so bad if man will be alone?” – ah’ when man is alone, he tends to have no “help opposing him;” has no one to judge him; hence, he sees himself as perfect, and if one sees themselves as perfect – grow, change, become better, they can’t; hence says the Baal Shem Tov, that though you may not be guilty of all that your wife accuses you of, some of it, even just a bit, you certainly are – for if she was perfectly happy, she would not be “crapping on you.”

Hence as our sages teach, he who lives without a wife, lives without blessing, goodness and atonement for his sins.

The Alter Rebbe, the spiritual grandson and elucidator of his teachings, clarifies a fascinating point:

Physically, what is a help opposing you? A mirror.

Similarly, in all relationships – as mentioned that contain a giver and receiver – what actually occurs, is the giver becomes a role-model; as is well known, that the only way to educate – as Einstein, confirmed by the Rebbe and all experts on education – say – is through being a good role-model.

Human nature is such, that the receiver automatically will mirror the behavior, hence, if one finds that their wife or children are not loving, it is simply a mirror for their lack of love; if they find their wife and children (and this includes employees, any receiver in the receiver / giver dynamic of relationships) are loving, they can rest assured, they were a good role-model!

Nowhere is this more apparent, than in the very special beautiful Rebbe / Chossid dynamic.

Since the time of the Baal Shem Tov, a new dynamic – in anticipation of the messianic era – was brought into the Jewish world.

That of a loving, father-like, saint, to those who choose to, through admiration, respect and awe, follow their teachings.

Now for thousands of years, there were Rabbinic schools, but both the teachers and students were lonely, for the bond was one of imparting wisdom, not unconditional love.

And it is so beautiful, heartwarming and hope inducing, to see, the tremendous warmth, hence self-esteem (which of course, is the receiver learning to love oneself, based on the value placed on him or her by the giver) in the Chassidic communities.