I feel that I finally cracked the subconscious narcissism – because effectively what happens is there’s two types of depression, there’s depression where I feel shame from myself, which causes me to internally perhaps also subconsciously, hate myself, therefore as I hate the self I don’t seek the desires of the self; yet another form of depression is more like repression, that someone else who is jealous of me causes me to perceive that others perceive me in a negative light – and therefore because my perception is that others perceive me in a negative light so I create a mask, like perfectionism, in order that no one should shame me, but meanwhile I still have this belief that others think I am shameful, and this causes me to become jealous of those who still have pride in themselves which causes this cycle of bullying to be perpetuated