Kabbalah Love

Kabbalah Love
From Fear To Love

The Collected Wisdom
Of The Jewish Masters

Copyright © 2023 Zevi Wineberg

All rights reserved.

Prologue

The world has three stages: G-d’s intent, which is for you to choose Him, so you can rise above your selfish side and activate a selfless side!

Hence, there is a. G-d’s desire, b. The creation of you (and obviously the world you live in) and c. The messianic era when we all choose to overcome our selfish instincts and be selfless!

The Lubavitcher Rebbe, the foremost Jewish leader of our century (voted “Jew of The Century” in all Jewish newspaper and magazine polls at the turn of the century) prophetically, and based on the reality around us has declared that we have already begun the messianic stage; for never before have more people courageously embraced G-d despite the ridicule of many; courageously embraced ideals despite the ridicule of many; courageously embraced the Jewish people and Israel, despite the terrorism of those who jealously seek its and their destruction.

Never before has the world been better – this change is not random!

It has occurred over thousands of years whereby G-d has guided humanity to grow!

In 1800 94% of the world lived in extreme poverty, in 2015 only 10%!
(Our World in Data)

CONTENTS

1	The Attitude of Gratitude
2	Divine Destiny
3	Giving
4	Forgiving
5	Gratitude
6	Unconditional Love

A LITTLE BIT OF LIGHT BANISHES A LOT OF DARKNESS!

A LITTLE BIT OF LOVE BANISHES A LOT OF RESENTMENT
OVER FEELING UNLOVED!

Dedication

Dedicated To All Seekers Of Truth

Dear Reader, May The Creator and Master of you and I assist, that the wisdom which transformed my life from darkness to light, from aimlessness to meaning, from feeling like the universe is a “dog-eat-dog world” to understanding, that life is both a process of discovery and purposeful acts of love – Transform Your Life!

Zevi
HashemEchad@protonmail.com

Hors d’oeuvre

Imagine a chef who has an infinite ability to always make ever more delicious foods. Now imagine The Creator. For we have a tendency to compare The Creator to a great human, so we assume there is bad and good. And The Creator can and does make things good, but that is to limit The Creator.

In fact The Creator is always making NEW delicious recipes/ life experiences for our soul to learn from!

Acknowledgements

My first acknowledgment – the source of gratitude – for to be grateful, we must recognize where our blessings/beneficence has come from is, of course, to our loving Father-in-Heaven, who in His unlimited kindness has ordained that I should be worthy, or perhaps better said, fortunate, to have studied, and thus be able to share, Kabbalah’s transformative wisdom with you.

Thank you to my many good friends who generously donated towards the printing of this book.

Special appreciation goes to my dear revered Father, whose encouragement and constant editing and critique of my writing is invaluable, and to my equally dear revered Mother, for a final proofread.

As I like to say, being a Rabbi is “the family business,” that never made anything, but holy debt : )

And to the many faithful editors who checked for syntax, grammar etc., etc. (as you can see, this piece and some others, came in afterwards) beginning with Mrs. Gralnik, editor par-excellence, and culminating with the highly esteemed anesthesiologist and author, Dr. Waldman, and finally with punctuation guru Debbie Haney, without whom my chicken scratch may have remained as such.

Thank G-d Kabbalah Love has already inspired millions of people – every day people from around the world download or purchase – and watch the many TV, Video  Classes, and of-course read the book.

INTRO.

In truth, there is but a path in which the unlimited infinite nature of the Divine collides into our limited defined natural order!
In my own desperate search for the meaning of existence, traversing the many doctrines, philosophies, religious ideals, I was amazed to discover, in my own backyard, a treasure buried for millennia, taught only to the great initiated saints but recently revealed through the Chassidic masters.
A light both illuminating and cozy, both inspiring and deep, heralding in the: “New Torah Teachings of The Moshiach/Messiah” which flowed through the undiluted souls of the Chassidic Rebbes/Masters.

If your soul’s thirst can be quenched

If your parched head can be satiated

If your heart’s ache can be soothed

Well-worth my humble attempt to distill this dazzling array of precious gems into modern bite-size wisdom.

If all the heavens were parchment

And all the grass were quills

If all the oceans were ink

Still the wisdom of Kabbalah could never be transcribed

Chapter 1
Gratitude Attitude

“In life, it is not what we have that makes us happy, it is the attitude towards what we have that does.”

A Story

Mr. Behr was a sweet, elderly gentleman who would often take his vacation at the home of a congregant of mine – whose marriage was not too hot – while I was the Rabbi in a resort town in South Africa. One day as he came to our Synagogue for morning prayers, Mr. Behr was shaking his head sadly.
So, I asked him, “What’s wrong?”
He replied, “I don’t understand why young people don’t get along these days. I was married for over forty years and I never had a single argument with my wife.”

“Wow, that’s impressive!” I thought, for though I am a Rabbi, I am no saint; So I asked him, “What was the secret to your happy marriage?”

“When I was a young man,” Mr. Behr replied, “I once asked my boss to lend me a pound so that I could buy a lotto ticket. My boss replied, ‘Young man, do you know when you will win the lotto? When you walk down the aisle to your Chupah (marriage canopy.) That is when you will win the lotto!’”

In other words, Mr. Behr was teaching me that the reason he had a loving relationship with his wife was because he always felt like he had won the lotto by marrying her!

True Wealth

The Jewish Sages teach, “Who is wealthy? Whoever enjoys whatever they have.”

My cousin, Rabbi Yossi Alpern, who is a Rabbi in Brazil took a group of very wealthy Brazilian children on a tour of the United States.

Coming to the largest toy store in the world all the children were excited to be able to spend their parents’ money on the latest toys and gadgets.
However, he noticed that the young daughter of a billionaire banker was sitting despondently in an aisle. “What’s wrong … ?” my cousin asked her. She replied sadly, “I have all these toys already : ( .”

So it’s not what we have rather if we can appreciate what we have that makes us happy.

Desiring & Purpose

The structure of who we are (though this is a very lengthy and detailed concept but in very every simple and concise terms) boils down to Essence and Expression.

Within the Essence itself there is “Essence of Essence” as we will describe.

The Essential Essence of our Soul is The Source of It, G-d.

As such innately we feel compassion (like a flame which came from another flame, contains the qualities – characteristics of the original.)

We innately have a moral sense as well as a powerful drive to G-d. As one addict told me “Addiction is just a large hole in the soul.” We can only feel happy, meaningful, purposeful and satisfied, if our essence and behavior (expression) align.

We all are part of the world and have something special to impart. (And truly addicts that engage in the 12 steps, and more importantly in Divine growth and relationships seem to have much higher rates of recovery.)

This Divine flame goes through many (spiritual) universes in which it gains a sense of independence.

The independent flame / soul has mainly five parts.

1. Essence – that which feels to it pleasurable.

   2. Desire – the will to get your way (and as the Jewish Sages teach, “Nothing stands in the way of willpower.”)

The soul has ten capabilities.
3. The Three intellectual are:
A. Chochmah (ability to conceive of new ideas.)
B. Binah (The ability to comprehend ideas and dig deeper into an idea.)
C. Daas (the ability to connect deeply to an idea, transforming an idea into an emotion.)

4. There are 7 emotions.

The main two are love and fear.

Love is a desire for something you want – love (or admire.)

Fear is the desire to not encounter or experience something you don’t want (fear… perhaps painful.)

The other emotions are offshoots.

5. Now the expression of our mind and emotions – are expressed in the “soul’s clothing” – thoughts, speech, and action.

Desire activates all of our soul abilities, as such we should rid ourselves of any desire. For every desire effectively sets up an addiction (we will discuss in the third chapter phobias.)

Imagine yourself by a river and in your bucket is everything you want – now empty the bucket.
And watch all your desires float away.

We are created by the Infinite Being, who from love loved us so much – to give us an opportunity to be like Him, compassionate, responsible, moral, kind, and loving.

As such if our desire in life is to do goodness and kindness in order to fulfill The Creator’s higher purpose for us, then and only then, can we live truly both materially and spiritually satisfying and meaningful lives! For it is not the object – a lifeless material thing – but the objective / the purpose which is the spirit / soul that gives life to what we do!

So when our life’s purpose is meaningful, so is our life.

At the same time unlike the secular statement “Money is the root of all evil” the Jewish teaching is that money is the root of all good!

The Lubavitcher Rebbe / the Head Rabbi of our generation encouraged people to do all in their ability (of-course within ethical, moral, and loving means) to become wealthy.

For as He says, money can: #1 Enable us to do the greatest good namely helping others. #2 Allows us to serve G-d extravagantly (for example spending a lots of money on hosting, education, Mitzvos etc.) And # 3 allows us to have – what is perhaps psychologically and spiritually most valuable – peace of mind.

Discernment

Now the challenge is discernment. For whatever we desire immediately becomes rationalized as we can see in the shift of attitude from boys to girls based on hormones.

This is in fact the very raison d’etre (goal) of Judaism; namely a mechanism where we can objectively see right from wrong, by asking a Rabbi schooled in the three-thousand-year tradition, wisdom, and clarification of Divine guidance on truth, morality and goodness/kindness, as described in the constitution of ethics, morality and compassion, the Torah/Bible.

Personal Rabbi/Rebbetzin

Practically, the Rebbe, the greatest Rabbi, scholar, and Judaic advisor of our times, taught to always consult a Mashpia (Rabbi (or Rebbetzin/female educated in Jewish law, wisdom, and spirit)) who is not only schooled in Jewish law, but also Jewish mysticism / Chassidus (the Soul of Judaism). Now by following the advice, you get personal Divine guidance as this system is created by G-d. (You can go to the “Ask The Rabbi” section on Chabad.org or if you would like, feel free to reach me Hashemechad@protonmail.com.)

Another way according to Jewish mysticism to get a GPS (“G-d Positioning System”) directly from the Divine, is to ask G-d whatever you seek guidance on, and then the first thought subsequent to your question, will be His Personal Reply! (Try it to see if it works… Recall that just as a computer can deal with billions of users simultaneously, of-course the unlimited Creator can.)

In addition, it pays to mention that happiness comes not from aggrandization / fame which seems to be the goal of our western ideal; rather the reverse, namely happiness comes from contributing oneself to a meaningful cause and thereby becoming proud of one’s positive achievements. The greater the effort it takes, the happier we become, for we all wish to be able to be proud of our positive accomplishments.

In the beginning G-d placed man and woman, the first couple – in the Garden of Eden, a place filled with beauty and prosperity and He said, “Your role is to improve the world and protect it /לעבדה ולשמרה.”  Our goal is not escaping reality rather improving it through using our talents, time, and prosperity, positively.)

Gaining Perspective

People who get a new lease on life look at life very, very, differently.

One woman told me that she was once confined to a hospital bed for a few months. One morning as she looked out her window, she gazed at the sunrise and said to herself, “If I ever get out of here, I will never complain for the rest of my life!”

And indeed, she is perhaps one of the most cheerful people you could ever meet.

People who have survived potentially fatal accidents or illnesses often come out of their experiences with a very great appreciation for the greatest gift of all; The Gift Of Life Itself!

The Gift of Life

The fact is that this world is no accident.

The more science we discover, the more we realize that our world is built on a series of miraculous phenomena which by virtue of their consistency deceive us into seeing nature as natural.

Rabbi Yisroel Baal Shem Tov, the founder of Chassidus, “Modern Jewish Mysticism” taught, “The first time we see a miraculous phenomenon in nature, we call it a miracle. The second time, we call it nature.”

Science is truly only the sum total of human observation, and in every field of scientific enquiry, scientists have discovered that we cannot explain the mechanisms behind what is happening. For example, we know that DNA replicates itself, but no one knows how that is mechanically possible, as I personally heard from a student at the top university in DNA research.

Dr. Paul Wildman came to some of my classes – he has three Doctorates and sits on the board supervising the studies for all the universities in Switzerland.  He told me that his board sent him around the world to discover the latest advancements in science and upon his return, he gave a lecture entitled, “The Limit Of Human Understanding.”

In every field of scientific enquiry, we have discovered what Dr. Wildman told me scientists call “E.” The fact that we now know that we do not comprehend the mechanisms behind nature. As the Chacham Tzvi simply and eloquently states, “Nature is miracles that continually reoccur.”

Einstein said, “There are only two ways to live life. The first

as though everything is a miracle; the other as though nothing is.”

E=MC2

Take the famous equation of E=MC ², if you had “x-ray vision,” you would see that everything you are looking at is really made up of atoms. And what E=MC ² means, is that every atom corresponds to an incredible amount of energy (which is the mass of the atom squared by the constant number, the speed of light, 186,000 miles per second).

Now, if you had an even greater “x-ray vision,” you wouldn’t see anything physical, rather you would be looking at energy. And you can get an idea of how much energy there is when you realize that an atomic explosion is one of the main energy sources for electricity in our world – supplying millions, if not hundreds of millions of households with electricity – all coming from the energy released when the tiny atom is “split.”

And as Einstein writes, the energy released in an atomic explosion is in reality just a fraction of the energy contained (like “a wealthy man giving away a thousand dollars,” to use his own example.)

So where did all this energy come from?

Energy is interchangeable with physical matter, which is bound by time and space, and is therefore one of The Creator’s creations.

Creation

As a creation matter needs to have a beginning.

In the study of Kabbalah, we are taught that The Creator “spoke” the world into existence. This means that The Creator’s “speech” creates our reality – the trees, rocks, water, and everything that we see and take for granted.

However, there is a fundamental difference between what The Creator makes and what man makes. What man makes is, in fact, only a change of status of material properties.

So every component in your “brilliant” computer, is in fact taken from something that was already created by The Creator. From the silicon to the gold, from the plastic to the metallic parts etc., there isn’t a single component in your computer that doesn’t actually come from the ground.

Rabbi Yisroel Baal Shem Tov teaches that even the greatest scientists will never cease to be able to discover ever more benefits from the myriad natural elements that our Creator lovingly placed within the earth’s crust.

Now, the earth’s crust, including all that is within it did not exist prior to creation. As such the earth must continually be recreated in order for it to exist.

You can see a short Multi-Media Presentation entitled “Discovering How the Universe Is Constantly Being Recreated” which visually demonstrates this on my website
http://www.kabbalahwisdom.org

An Example For Continuous Creation

For example, imagine a strange alien for a moment.

How long will your alien exist? Only as long as you imagine it! For anything that doesn’t inherently exist needs a separate creative force to constantly recreate it. Just as light must continually emanate out of its source in order for you to see it in a continuous way (like light in a room) – the same applies to the energy which creates the matter of our universe.

If you were to take away the building blocks of matter, The Creator’s “speech,” there would simply be nothing at all. So all of our technology is dependent on a far greater technology, The Creator’s “speech” which is continually re-speaking/recreating the physical matter of the universe into existence. (Of-course Physics discovered this phenomenon and the Higgs Boson called the “The G-d Particle” proves the process of the infinite rebirths of the atoms – hence the universe.)

Kabbalah wrote (app 1,800 years ago) that “In the sixth hundred year of the sixth millennia (corresponding app. to 1840) G-d would open the floodgates of wisdom of above and below and they would correspond in anticipation of the Messianic redemption.” As Doctor David – a Physics Professor who leads a team of 1,000 theoretical physicists researching for the past 40 years math, physics, religion and philosophy (for the deeper you go into physics – quantum physics – the more miraculous it gets) said, that “Chabad Chassidus and quantum physics match.”

In other words, The Creator is always re-speaking, or rethinking / re-imagining our universe into its present natural format.

The magical words “Abra-Cadabrah” come from the two Hebrew words, “Ibarah, C’dabrah” which means “I create, when I speak.”

Physicists have discovered the miracle of continuous creation written about in Kabbalah, as we now can observe that atoms are continually popping in and out of existence. You can watch an animated visualization of this on the quantum physics documentary, “What The Bleep Do We Know.”

The Kabbalah wrote about this process thousands of years ago and called it Rotzu Vshuv / Yearning and Returning. The creative energy emanates out of the Creator’s desire to create our reality, and then returns back into Him – in an ongoing forward and return cycle, like heartbeats or breaths.

Another Example

Another good example to help us understand continuous creation comes from screens.

Depending on the type of screen you have, every second, the picture on your screen is refreshed/redrawn a few hundred times.

This is why screen savers were invented; for if the computer refreshes the same screen for long periods of time, sometimes the picture gets embedded into the screen. This means that every time you look at the Recycle Bin on your computer, it has been redrawn thousands of times.

So your Recycle Bin is a functional tool in a two-dimensional computerized world, as it allows you to throw away the garbage; whereas, the garbage can in your kitchen works in a three-dimensional world. They both however, serve the same fundamental purpose – getting rid of garbage; and they both need a higher technology to make them continuously reappear – giving you, the user, a functional tool.

Another Example For Continuous Creation

Another example: In 1986, I studied in Vancouver, Canada, which hosted the World-Expo, where countries showcase their latest technological inventions. GM had a pavilion – and after waiting an hour or so in line, we were ushered into a small room, with about six rows of bleachers and a glass partition looking onto a stage.

The stage was set like a living room with a stack of wood, bonfire style, in the center. In walks an Indian and with “magic” sets alight the wood and gives us a 45-minute speech, doing many amazing magical feats. But the best was yet to come – for the grand finale was that he fashioned a little canoe of fire in the thin air, then “accidently” his cloak caught on fire, which turned him into a stickman made out of fire! He then climbed through the air into his boat, and a magical oar made out of fire appeared, and with one swoosh of the oar he literally disappeared!

It was only then that we realized that the Indian and everything we saw was actually a holographic video!

Similarly, our universe. For example, though we feel through touch, as it states in Kabbalah and medical science, there is simply a 3D “hologram” of our body in our brain.  So when you touch something or something touches you, an electrical impulse is sent through your nerves to your brain, which then makes you imagine you are feeling something at the point of touch (which is why – must be pretty annoying… – people who have G-d-forbid lost an arm, can still get an itch, feeling like they must scratch a non-existent arm.)

Thank The Creator

This being the case, it is only right to thank The Creator for what we already have. For it is merely due to his great ongoing kindness that our universe continuously exists!

Altruism

The Creator and Master of the World is very different to human beings whom mainly seek to gain. The Creator is looking to give! As the Jewish Sages teach, that the very reason why The Creator formed our world and His primary goal in it namely you and me! – is in order to have people to give to.

As they explain, “It is natural for a kind person (heart) is to act kindly.”

So we must realize that The Creator has already given us so very much!

When we are aware of these gifts, we start realizing that there is An Unlimited Being who loves us unconditionally! Gives to us unconditionally! And only desires what is good – for our sake, and not for His!

Ask

Someone I know was once going through a severe financial crisis.

He called up his wealthy father who bailed him out. I asked his father, “How come you didn’t help your son earlier?” “Because,” he replied, “he didn’t ask.”

So it is also good to ask The Creator for what you want.

Gratitude Versus Attitude

Rabbi Shneur Zalman, the author of the Tanya, “the Bible of Jewish mysticism” taught, “When you give something to a humble person, they become more humble. But when you give something to an entitled (arrogant) person, they become more entitled (arrogant).”

In other words, if we become cognizant of the blessings we already have, we see ourselves as fortunate. And conversely, ironically, the more we get, if we do not thank the Creator for it, the more it deludes us that we are entitled to even more! For within all of us is a hidden demon called ego/arrogance, which will automatically assume everything we receive confirms our “high status.” And the “higher” we are, the more entitled we become. Now, the more we see ourselves as entitled to getting what we want, the less happy we become. As the ratio of our ability to fulfill our desires will always be less than the imaginations ability to conceive of desires. So now, instead of sensing our good fortune, we feel we have been “cheated” out of what we are “entitled” to!

Having lived in Africa for over a decade, I once remarked to a psychiatrist friend of mine, Dr. Slutzkin, “Why is it that the poor blacks (in contrast to the middle-class whites and wealthier blacks) always seem happy?” He replied, “They expect less.”

Expectations

A good example of this comes from Rabbi Bechayah in his classic book “Duties of the Heart.” (BTW one of the most amazing, spiritual, psychological, inspirational works ever.)

He gives the example of two people who get shipwrecked and stranded on an island. A benevolent person takes them in and cares for them in every way possible for many years. Now, one is a young child and the other is an adult. The child will in fact begin to expect good treatment from the benefactor (as children do from their parents.) However as the adult is more aware, he will feel eternally grateful.

Last, but not least, Steve Loeb was a congregant of mine stricken with ALS. During his disease, he returned to G-d and Judaism (no small feat considering the details). I asked him, “What has ALS taught you?” He replied “The Gift Of Life!”

Exercise #1:

Write a list of all the good things in your life – all the things which you would miss if you no longer had them, and then list the things that you want but do not have. Say, “Thank you Creator for the blessings You have given me; Please Creator, give me the things I want.”

Bonus: It should be mentioned that the wisest prayer of all, according to Rabbi Yisroel Baal Shem Tov, is that The Creator should give us what He knows is best for us. One lady I know told me, that The Creator always gave her whatever she requested, but she realized that what she thought would make her happy often led her to misery. So she stopped praying for what she thought she wanted, and prayed instead for what The Creator knows will be good for her. And The Creator’s plan always leads her to greater joy.

Big Bonus: The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneersohn explains a truly remarkable thing. Although, of course, The Creator needs to recreate reality for it to continuously appear as mentioned before, nonetheless as He is unlimited, He could have simply imbued matter with enough energy to last as long as he wanted it to. The reason He chose continuous creation is so that we can always feel grateful for this awesome gift, as gratitude equates to happiness. When you are doing nothing, after every breath you take, say, “Thank You, Creator, For Everything!” bearing in mind the fact that everything has just been recreated!

 

 

 

 

Chapter 2
Divine Destiny

Rabbi Yisroel Baal Shem Tov explains that what comes to us from The Creator is actually a reflection of our own mood and attitude.

If we are full of joy, merciful, and compassionate, then The Creator will bestow joy, mercy, and compassion upon us!

The reason we get into a negative space, G-d-forbid, is unfortunately either due to innate anxiety or negative experiences which create future anxiety.

The Wheels of Justice

“What goes around comes around” is a true saying, albeit with a time delay involved; which results in our failing to recognize the truth of it.

The reason for this delay is as follows: If we were immediately rewarded or punished for our wrongdoings, we would never do anything wrong.

What’s so bad about that, you may wonder? I recall that as a child, I once asked The Creator to punish me whenever I did something wrong; for then I would know that The Creator existed.

This is, in fact, the only real reason why we question The Creator’s existence, as we doubt His effectiveness/justice.

How can it be that a good person suffers while an evil person prospers? There are many explanations for this. For example, sometimes The Creator gives a “reward” to an evil person in this world, but this so-called “reward” is actually a negative payout, for it prevents him or her from receiving the great bliss of Heaven.

Other times, The Creator brings suffering upon the righteous person for minor infractions in this world, and in that way reserves for them the reward of everlasting bliss in the world-to-come.

In fact, our Sages teach us, that our universe is built on The Creator’s kindness and compassion. A drop of suffering in this world erases mountains of potential pain in the next.

Karmic Debts

Furthermore, we are taught that we can have “karmic debts.” This means that if I owed someone a sum of money in a previous lifetime, that money may be forcibly taken from me and restored to its reincarnated owner in a future lifetime. There are many stories from the Jewish mystics that prove this.

A personal story is, I bought a computer from a friend of mind and in the last moment, he threw in a screen for an extra $15.00. As I had only brought the money for the computer, I never got around to paying him. One day, the computer had “a fatal exception” and stopped working. As I thought about the cause, I determined to pay my friend for the screen. A few weeks later, seeing him at a wedding, I gave him the money. By a serendipitous occurrence, one of the top computer programmers in the country needed to use my computer and he spent forty-five minutes fixing it. That was the next day!

It is also important to realize that all of life is growth. Pain is loss, but loss is usually, if not always, some way or another G-d getting us to a far better reality, whether physical, spiritual or both.

“The Face of G-d”

The Kabbalah teaches that just like human faces reflect one another – so when someone smiles, others smile back, and when someone, G-d-forbid, is somber, others are likewise somber – similarly, when we are joyous, this causes our Creator to be joyous.

And just as when people are happy they give unstintingly, similarly The Creator! (On the other hand, when people are somber, they only give based on calculating if the other person is deserving or not.)

As the Baal Shem Tov explains, two people are in need of a favor from a king. The commoner gets on his hands and knees and begs. The king feeling no love, decides if this person warrants the request. However the king’s minister is smart. He invites the king to a repast and after making him happy by serving him his favorite foods, throws in his request. The king being in a favorable mood is only too pleased to fulfill it.

Research in fact demonstrates that happy children cause a positive hence more giving reaction in their parents. In other words, when we are confident in G-d’s assistance, we cause it to happen! Just by being happy we create an infinitely better destiny.

Sometimes we think The Creator is inflexible. Why? Because we compare the Creator to inflexible role-models in our past. But not only is G-d flexible, He set up a reality which reacts to us!

So bear in mind, destiny is a reflection of our mood and attitude; so always think positively!

Freedom of Choice

You may not know this, but Heaven was created for earth, not the other way around.

Everything that is above and below is part of the Divine plan to give you the freedom to choose – without being forced to – between, goodness:  selflessness, compassion, sharing, caring, etc. and evil: selfishness, insensitivity, arrogance, and caring only for oneself while disregarding others.

Reality

In groundbreaking research, Dr. Emoto shows that water crystals react to our prayers, intentions, words, and emotions.

You can Google Emoto, for images. You can literally see how based on positive words, intentions, thoughts, and emotions, the water crystals change from a simple hexagon, their natural molecular structure, into a beautiful snowflake image.

This in fact is one of the great discoveries of quantum physics; that we are all continuously shaping reality based on the energy (positive, negative, or neutral) we are viewing it as. Now, if physical matter feels the loving embrace or the harsh sting of the emotions behind words, how much more so, as has been proven scientifically, do plants, animals, and obviously, us highly sensitive humans.

The “Tanya,” which is the logical explanation and organization of the wisdom of the Baal Shem Tov, written over two hundred years ago by the great Rabbi Shneur Zalman, the founder of Chabad Chassidus, clearly describes three basic zones in our reality: 1) Good 2) Neutral 3) Evil.

Included in Zone 1 (Good) are those things that we make blessings over – such as when we thank G-d for the food we are about to eat – or when we use food for good deeds, such as giving food to hungry people. So at that time, the molecules in the food (which become our energy/body) receive energy directly from The Creator.

In Zone 2 (the Neutral Zone) are most objects that are currently untainted (positively or negatively) by humans and are thus waiting for us to elevate them in order for them to receive energy directly from The Creator.

In fact, Rabbi Yisroel Baal Shem Tov teaches, that neutral water will eagerly await hundreds of years, if not even millennia, for a good person to thank-G-d for the water they are going to drink.

For as the Holy Ari (a great Kabbalist) teaches, all matter in fact contains Divine Souls.

Zone 3 (evil) contains the negative forces, which include anger, revenge, harming others, etc.

So, if I eat an apple and then use the energy it gives me to insult someone, at that time those physical atoms draw their energy via demons (negative angels) because The Creator refuses to sustain negativity directly.

Interestingly enough, when/if we G-d-forbid engage in a bad behavior such as insulting, this creates a negative demon who in fact desires that we repeat the offence.  As such it pays to Meditate, Contemplate, Say: “My Only Desire Is To Serve My Creator!” (For the spirit of the negative angel is the lust or pleasure received in the abusive behavior, but by giving up your desires, you can easily change – especially if you feel bad about it and make a strong resolution to change.)

It’s all amazingly simple, though amazingly deep

So reality is both simple, yet unerringly deep, because we don’t understand its simplicity!

Imagine a person who never saw a computer.  She or he would think, “This is the most sophisticated, complicated thing!” and yet every child can use it, for it’s actually very simple, once you know what to do.

Similarly, reality only has three possibilities: good, neutral, and evil.

Good is all that is selfless and follows the will of G-d.

Neutral is all that is self-serving, yet not cruel.

Evil is all that is cruel or disobeys G-d.

Kosher

Incidentally, kosher food corresponds to these three zones. Kosher food begins in the “neutral zone” and takes on a positive energy if used for something positive, such as when one uses the energy from the food to help someone else.

Those foods that did not get elevated – since no one used the energy for anything meaningful after eating it – remain in the neutral zone they started out in. If, however, someone used the energy from the Kosher food for something negative – for example to harm another, G-d-forbid; then the atoms get energized via the negative demons.

Non-kosher food in Hebrew is also called “Assur,” which means tied/locked down. As it is tied up in the third negative zone, hence, it cannot be elevated even if one uses the energy for something good. (Obviously, the definition of good and evil is based on The Creator’s commandments/definitions in the Bible; hence as Gentiles don’t have the Biblical commandment to refrain from eating non-Kosher food – apart, of course, to “not eat from an animal while it’s alive,” which is one of the universal seven Noahide laws given at Mount Sinai for everyone (see http://www.AskNoah.org for more info. on this) therefore, it doesn’t have a negative effect for them.)

The above is an extreme simplification of an incredibly vast universe above us which The Creator uses to engage, create, modify, influence, record and mirror everything that goes on in ours.

Last but not least, we must change our perception of reality. For as quantum physics teaches, we have a tendency to think, that we are born into an unchanging Newtonian styled deterministic world, while the truth is that not only do we create reactions based on our mood and attitude in others (and even in animals, vegetation and as demonstrated empirically in water and non-physical matter) but as The Creator is humble, in the Creator! which then becomes our destiny.

Exercise #2:

By tuning into good energy – by being grateful for what one has and trusting that things will get better! – one creates good destiny and hence a better future.

Bonus: Even by just imagining that The Creator will help you; for example, telling yourself just that, “G-d will help me,” creates that as a future reality.

Big Bonus: Additionally, it is very powerful to hand over your problems to The Creator, as the verse states, “Throw your package of problems to The Creator, and He will carry them.”

I think that as a loving parent, The Creator enables us to choose our own mistakes, as He does not want to force us into anything.

However, just like a loving father would, He steps in and provides when we say, “Sorry, it is too hard for me to handle.”

(The only thing we need to be careful about is to not take our problems back from The Creator after He has successfully handled them. Human nature is such that we like to think that we deserve the credit for our successes.

However, the way the trust-system operates is that The Creator allows whomever you trust – including yourself – to be the provider!

So by taking your problem back, which occurs by believing You were the source of your success, you then actually recreate the problem. This is similar to as Einstein states, “We cannot solve our problems using the same mindset in which we created them!”

It is for this reason saying Thank-You really is the magic word!)

In life, either our consciousness is conscious that everything is run by G-d, hence everything is really good (or for the good) or, though we may actually believe this, but our consciousness is either too focused on our desires and/or our fears, hence our mind is actively pursuing, either the attainment of, or refraining from, something desirable/fearful; and in this consciousness we lose touch with our higher truth. This explains why in Judaism we have so many reminders that there is a G-d, such as touching the Mezuzah. For as we see empirically, what we know takes a back seat to our current desires. Hence the importance of always saying “Thank-you” for whatever good comes our way!

Chapter 3
Giving

Meaning In Life

According to Albert Einstein, the meaning in life is found by “Giving to those whose existence is the cause of our happiness.”

Love

This theory is very similar to the Biblical instruction to “Love your friend as much as you love yourself.” According to Rabbi Akiva, this is in fact the whole point of the Torah (Bible), to teach us how to “Love your friend, as much as you love yourself.”

Happiness, True Success, Joy & Recognition

Many books could be written on this subject, for it represents not only the fundamental reason for our existence, but also the key to our own happiness, success and joy in life; and the key to the ability to attain the recognition that we all so desperately crave.

Rabbi Hillel and the Gentile

I was recently reading an interesting Judaic article that asked the following question: There is a well-known story that a Gentile once came to the great Rabbi Hillel, the foremost Jewish leader of his age, and asked him for the guiding principle of Judaism, to which he replied, “What you don’t want others to do to you, don’t do to them. The rest of the Torah/Bible is the explanation of this principle.”

The question was subsequently asked, why did Rabbi Hillel frame it in the negative by saying, “What you don’t want others to do to you, don’t do to them” when he could have framed it in the positive? “What you want others to do to you, do to them!” Additionally, this would seem a more accurate description of the Biblical injunctions, such as loaning money interest-free; giving charity, etc.

However, Rabbi Hillel was teaching everyone an exceptionally important lesson. Why is it that when we do something wrong, it doesn’t seem to bother us at all but when someone else does something wrong, we are often ready to jump down their throats, “How could you possibly have done such an evil, vile, rude, inconsiderate thing?!”

How come we act so “schizophrenically,” seeing other people’s faults as genuine problems, yet at the same time characterizing our own faults as nothing?… We view our own misdeeds as nothing more than things we shouldn’t have done, but they do not alter our fundamental self-love.
Why? The reason is very simple, yet exceptionally profound.

The reason we don’t see our own faults, or our own faults do not cause us to alter our positive self-image, is because our innate self-love covers over and buries our faults. In other words, because we love ourselves, we are not extremely concerned by our faults.

I am sure you have heard the saying, “Love is blind,” which is certainly true.

In Judaism–in Proverbs–the saying goes “All faults are concealed by love.”

In other words, it’s not that we do not recognize that we have faults; rather, as we love ourselves, our love shields us from seeing them as issues that are so terrible that we should stop loving ourselves due to them.

Extending Love

In truth, this is a very good thing. For in order to love someone else, you must first love yourself. For generally, the love one person extends to another is actually due to identifying with them – for example, siblings who realize their shared background/identity have greater love for one another than strangers do.

The more we see what we share in common – identify – with another, the more we love them unconditionally!

As such, it pays to recall we are all fundamentally the same, for on a soul level, we are all chips off the same block (every soul comes from G-d and innately desires goodness and kindness, like her Father in Heaven) and there is but One Source From Whom We All Exist!

And though our missions differ based on our gender, culture, nation, circle… fundamentally we share the common goal that “We Are All Divine Agents, Charged With The Mission To Continually Add In Our Goodness And Kindness Making The World A Better, More Loving, Happier, Peaceful And Fair Place.”

Most importantly, if someone (perhaps a depressed person) actually hates themselves which occurs when we become angry at ourselves for “failing;” they might, G-d-forbid, commit suicide. So self-love is great (obviously in moderation, lest we forget about the rest of humanity in focusing only on ourselves…) but the lesson is that just as our own self-love manages to conceal and bury our own faults from appearing so bad that we are G-d-forbid unlovable due to them, similarly our love for our family and friends should be so strong that we don’t see, or at the very least do not think that they are undeserving of love due to their faults.

This is the significance behind the exact wording of the Creator’s commandment, “Love Your Friend As You Love Yourself.”

In other words, just as your self-love can accept that you are worthy of love even if you have faults, similarly must you accept others, even if they have faults.

A Mirror Image

Furthermore, this is how The Creator intended things to be, for the following four reasons:

1. The fact that you do see a fault in someone else is only because in point of fact you have that fault in yourself. For it is impossible to see a fault in someone else if you do not have it in yourself.

The Baal Shem Tov teaches, “Your friend is like your mirror;  it is only when there is dirt on your own face that it will be ‘reflected’ and hence seen in your friends.”

So when we find something wrong in someone else, The Creator is showing us an area in which WE need to improve.

I said this once in a class and a psychologist present confirmed it.

“When we get upset by another’s misdeeds, it is only because it is hitting a concealed raw nerve of our own,” she said.

2. Additionally, the fact that one can see faults in another can also lead to good because it allows one to gently, privately, respectfully and honorably, explain to the other how much better it will be for them to choose a wiser course of action.

(3. Interestingly, Rabbi Schneersohn – The Lubavitcher Rebbe – clarifies that if we feel bugged / irritated by the negative in another then it is a mirror image, as mentioned above, and hence something we need to improve on. However, if our mind comes up with methods of how to help the other, then chances are it is something related to assisting the other.

In fact, whenever The Creator allows us to see a solution to a problem – so, for example, say you are aware that someone is, G-d-forbid ill, and you also know that there is a doctor who specializes in a treatment for that illness, then The Creator is actually giving you one of your life’s-missions! If this wasn’t your mission (a.) you wouldn’t have become aware of the problem and (b.) you wouldn’t have known the solution.

Please see my booklet, “Discover The Meaning Of Your Life in 5 Steps” in the appendix, for more info. on this.)

Love, And Only Then Educate

There is a commandment in the Bible to teach, or even reprimand, someone else if one knows it will help. But interestingly, this commandment is preceded by the all-important commandment to never shame another. Therefore, the Jewish Sages deduce that before one educates another, one must be quite certain that one’s motive is love; and furthermore, one obviously may never insult another in the process of educating them.

As the Lubavitcher Rebbe teaches, “Even if there is a situation where one needs to try to prevent something negative from another – the very best manner / method to achieve this is through encouraging them in a pleasant and peaceful / loving way.” The Rebbe Himself was a prime example of this, for no- one, perhaps going back to Moses Himself, achieved greater transformation, growth, dedication to Judaism and higher ideals in the world than the Rebbe, yet he never said a harsh word to anyone.

So the way to improve someone else is only through showing them a better path, not that they are G-d forbid wrong.

Politics and G-d

Reb Menachem Mendel of Kotzk said, “What is the difference between a lover of truth and love vs. a hater of falsehood and hate? The former finds what’s lovable and truthful, while the latter finds what evil and bad.

We unfortunately have had through history, megalomaniacs such as Hitler, Karl Marx, and in modern times, radicals who gain political power – not through common goals, but simply pointing out grievances under the guise of justice, vengeance or supremacy and encourage the masses to be their “executioners.”  The common denominator from all these horrific “leaders” is they don’t truly stand for the truth and love, but against their perception of falsehood and hate.

Subconsciously what drives them is jealousy (for when we think we are the best, then like the evil queen in Snow-White, another’s goodness and positive self-image becomes to us a conflict. (For if “we are the best… – then how come it looks to us – that they are.”))

As well as often people’s behavior is not based on the love for truth and love, rather the fear of criticism; this creates a resentment towards those whose lives lack this fear, which in turn creates a desire to shame/abuse good people. One of the ways (subconsciously) this is done (which we see in certain political parties) is the desire to add lots and lots of laws; as controlling another is a form of abuse.

On the other hand if what we seek is truth and love, we then see what is good in others.

The truly Holy Saintly Leaders such as Abraham, the Rebbe, dedicated their lives to humanity.  Always encouraging, helping, literally giving the shirt off their back, financially and energetically (time wise etc.) to everyone.  They didn’t point out how evil people or a “group of people” is/are… rather how to G-d each person is like an only child, and it is our privilege, pleasure and honor to assist.

A Story

A Chossid (disciple of a Chassidic Rebbe/Master) once asked the Rebbe Rashab, “What is a Chossid?” He contemplated the question and replied, “A Chossid is a lamplighter.” (In the olden days, a person would carry a long pole with a fire lit on top (like a long torch) and light the kerosene streetlamps.) In other words, the reply was, “A Chossid is one who lights up other people’s souls/hearts.” Replied the Chossid, “But I don’t see any lamps?” In other words, “I don’t see anyone worthy of my light/love.” To this, the Rebbe explained, “That is because you are not a lamplighter. When you will become humbler, you will see many lamps!”

What’s The Message?

Additionally, the Baal Shem Tov teaches that everything we see in life is in fact a message from The Creator on how to improve ourselves.

So when you see a good behavior from someone else, The Creator organized that you should see it in order that you should emulate it. (4) And when you see a bad behavior, it is shown to you for the following two reasons: A) So that you will be repulsed by it and hence decide not to act like that; and B) So that you will be proud of yourself for behaving properly.

Whose Existence Makes You Happy?

Now I would like you to take Einstein’s suggestion, and decide whose existence gives you happiness.

You will most probably choose people who are close to you and have impacted your life in a way that you perceive to be beneficial.

What you need to do is to stop bartering; you need to decide to love these people unconditionally.

Love and Happiness

Only through this will you find happiness; for when you love, you release loving chemicals (serotonin) through your blood stream which makes you feel good. It is a drug that only gets stronger with time.

The Love/Fear Seesaw

Rabbi Shneur Zalman teaches in Tanya, every thought we have, everything we say and everything we do, is either out of love for someone or something or due to a fear of someone or something.

LOVE = ATTRACTION

FEAR = RETRACTION

Love creates an attraction – a desire to unite with the person you love, or to attain that which you believe will be pleasurable for you (say, a cup of Coke.)

Fear creates an avoidance/retraction from a person you are afraid of (who will perhaps shame you..) or from something that you fear will be painful to you (say a bee.)

Unconditional Love

The state that we need to work towards is a state of unconditional-love.

In other words, when we love the people we have chosen, as much as we love ourselves!

However, fear causes a chemical takeover in the brain, reducing our ability to think, and we are left functioning on the level of little children, with purely instinctive reactions.

The Power of Fear

At such moments, all our wisdom, understanding and knowledge disappears, along with whom we want to be (namely kind, compassionate, considerate, nice, etc.)

We simply become like animals that react only instinctively; namely, the fear: flight or freeze instinct, or in absolute desperation, fight.

The part of the brain controlling our fear (the amygdala nuclei region) is a part that overrides rational thought – literally bypassing the source of our rational mind – the prefrontal lobes, hence creating only instinctive protective reactions.

If we are in a “state of fear” (worried, anxious, stressed) we cannot simultaneously be in a “state of love.”

Overcoming Fear

Rabbi Bechayah, the author of an incredibly wise Judaic classic called, “Duties of the Heart” writes, “The heart cannot hold both stimuli of fear and love simultaneously.”

As such we will mention the primary reasons why most people become fearful – based on the classic book of Jewish mysticism, the Tanya – and the methods that it advises to eliminate fear.

Fear 101

The first cause of fear is a person’s personal worries: be they financial, health, or related to their children (something or someone they love). The only way to eliminate this anxiety is to remember that The Creator is good. In fact, The Creator doesn’t have a “bad bone” in His “body.” There is simply nothing but goodness in The Creator. So if “creating positive intentions” (lesson 2) and “praying for good results” (lesson 1) haven’t worked for you, it is only because, according to the Divine plan, you are really receiving help, not a hindrance.

The story is told of three great mystics (including the author of the Tanya) who were discussing a war in which there were  unfortunately many casualties. The first two mystics said, “If I was The Creator, I would have created fewer fatalities,” each one choosing the side which they would have assisted. The third and greatest mystic said, “If I was The Creator, I would have done exactly the same thing, but I would understand why!”

There Is A Master-plan At Play – And It Is In Your Interest!

In other words, try to understand that despite the pain you are in, there is a master-plan, and the same way a child cannot understand how come his parents are forcing him to do his homework instead of allowing him to play in the fresh air, similarly, our minds simply cannot conceive of everything that The Creator’s mind can.

Personal Pain Vs. Other People’s Pain

Now an important point needs to be clarified.

While we may trust that what The Creator is doing in our own particular case is for the best, we should always take the merciful approach, pleading with The Creator for grace, kindness, and compassion, and do the same for someone else in need. As explained in the second lesson, this then becomes your destiny from The Creator. And furthermore, if you were, G-d-forbid, suffering, the last thing you would want is for someone to rationalize your pain by saying that “it is the best thing for you.”

As the Baal Shem Tov teaches, that though, “to trust G-d when I am suffering is the highest trait; to accept another’s suffering – evil.”

To my mind, the classic book on human suffering and G-d’s response is, “The Book of Job.” The essence of the book (in my humble opinion) is that when Job’s friends try to justify The Creator’s (seemingly irrational and unjust) behavior towards him, he replies to them, “Everything that you know (about The Creator) I do, too.” In other words, “Try to comfort me over my losses; don’t try to make a believer out of me while I am suffering and in pain.”

This is not to say that it is not beneficial to help someone who is sick or in need, to trust in The Creator, for usually that is the very best medicine possible. However, if one does take this approach, it is not in order to create a believer, rather, to help the person who is in pain, and usually people are smart enough to tell the difference.

Interestingly, eventually the Creator replies to Job’s agonizing search for the just cause of his suffering, and all the Creator tells him is a series of scientific phenomena which demonstrates how G-d is infinitely beyond human comprehension; hence, Job says, “All my understanding of you was naught. I now realize, relative to You, I am but dust and ashes.” In other words, Job understood that his mind’s rationale of why what occurred was unjust – could never be applied when dealing with an infinite mind’s vantage point.

Who is The Creator?

Now sometimes, people have the wrong idea about The Creator.

An atheist once told a Rabbi, “I don’t believe in G-d.” The Rabbi replied, “In The G-d that you don’t believe in, I don’t believe in either!”

People have a tendency to anthropomorphize G-d. They see The Creator as a very great human; thus they figure that The Creator desires power. But the truth is, if we can compare The Creator to anyone at all, it would be to the love of a mother for her tiny newborn baby, an unconditional love.

G-d created human emotions, and only He can inform us of what He loves, and the verse states, “I love you, says the Creator!” After all, are we not all His creations?!

Understanding That We Can’t Understand Everything

It is when we expect to understand, and believe, that as our mind is capable of understanding some things, it should also be able to understand all things, that we get frustrated when we don’t; however, if we can understand, that it is impossible for a finite mind to understand an Infinite vantage point (for even the greatest supercomputer has zero intelligence relative to infinite wisdom/data) then, just like a child gains security by trusting in his parents without necessarily understanding their logic, similarly, we can remind ourselves that it is both possible and highly probable that the Creator can do something beneficial for us although we can’t understanding the mechanism.

Would not The Creator be absolutely limited, if everything He could conceive of, would be understandable to our limited perceptions/minds.

The Creator and Manager of the World is Good

So in summary, we need to understand that The Creator is good – and although we do not understand why what is happening is good – nonetheless, we can have the wisdom to trust in The Creator and this will take the stress and anxiety out of the situation.

 

Fear 201

The second and most common reason for feeling fear is actually anxiety over whether we are doing the right thing or not.

In order to explain this fully, we need to clarify that within each and every one of us there is a Yetzer Hara – a demon – “a little devil” (in fact, an offshoot of the “big devil” the satan) whose job it is to get us to be depressed and sad, so that we will be unmotivated to be good, caring and loving people.

As the Baal Shem Tov teaches, “More than the Yetzer Hara desires that you should sin, he desires that you should feel guilty that you sinned.”

The Yetzer Hara – demon – “little devil” employs guilt as its primary weapon of offense. Although guilt seems like a good thing, a wise psychologist told me, “Guilt is the biggest energy waster in the world!” and she is right. After studying Jewish mysticism and realizing that this is how The Creator designed the world, I stopped feeling guilty for all of my negative desires, for they are part and parcel of the Yetzer Hara, which puts them into our minds.

(I can prove the Yetzer Hara’s existence, but it’s not for this short book; this is more about factual information on how we can help ourselves than about proofs.)

What really helped me, was realizing that The Creator does not expect us to have only positive desires. Our bodies and the Yetzer Hara instinctively produce negative desires, such as those for arrogance, anger, laziness, enjoyment over other people’s downfalls, pleasure and so on.

There is nothing wrong – again, nothing wrong – with having these desires, as long as we don’t act on them.

Getting over Guilt

The key to not feeling guilty is as follows: Firstly, you need to know that The Creator is good, and is looking to reward you for being good (as mentioned in the second lesson).

Secondly, you need to have practical expectations of yourself.

Practical Self-Expectations

In order to understand this, you need to actually study the Torah, the Bible and its commentaries. (I have written “Meditations for the Soul”, a booklet encapsulating – in a concise and modern format – most of the applicable Biblical laws and good suggestions for leading a happy, fruitful and productive life; which is available on my website.) You need to study the Mitzvos (the Good Deeds) of the Torah/Bible, because what the Torah teaches us is never impossible nor improbable. For example, one religion writes that if a man looks lustfully at a woman, it is as if he has committed adultery. Now, this is ridiculous, for the innate instinct in a man is to lust after a beautiful woman. As one elderly professor told me during the Monica Lewinsky story, that when he sees a young attractive woman, he naturally lusts after her.

In the Torah (the Bible) what is important is not committing adultery or other deviant sexual behavior. So it is not about the desire in the heart, rather about the actions we take.

For example, even if someone doesn’t desire to give charity but disciplines themselves and gives charity anyway, they have successfully done a good deed! To a large extent, it was The Creator’s will that we should be challenged by this demon – the Yetzer Hara – and give The Creator and ourselves the moral satisfaction of conquering it.

As Rabbi Josef Isaac Schneersohn, the Previous Lubavitcher Rebbe writes, one cannot compare the pleasure a farmer would get from the produce reaped from a fruitful field in the perfect climate, to his personal satisfaction if he managed to take a barren dessert and give it life! So the greater the challenge, the greater the sense of accomplishment!

Self-Control

Thirdly, a person must have self-discipline. For if we do not have self-control, we will never be able to live up to our own standards; for we know what we should be doing, but practically we do not have the ability to do it!

Self-control can take a long time to achieve, but the surest method was described in a book on education by Rabbi Josef Isaac Schneersohn. He writes that the way the Creator created us, we all have the ability to order ourselves around. By telling yourself what to do, you gain the ability to control yourself.

In fact, studies show that one of the two traits of successful people is that they tell themselves what to do.

The following graph shows how behavior through self-control leads to happiness:

Ideal	Actual
Thoughts   =	Thoughts
Speech   =	Speech
Actions    =	Actions

 

The Battle

A fascinating and most relevant statement of Kabbalah is, “The strength of the body/instinctual desires counteracts the strength of the soul’s desires.” In other words, if you were running in one direction but at the same time you were being pulled in an opposite direction – based on how strong that pull is, will determine whether you will still be going forward, at what speed, and perhaps, if you will even be compelled to go backwards.

Ironically, although it appears to us that our instinctual desires are what we want, they are not! Everyone would like to be remembered positively by their family and friends, which only comes from unconditionally loving them, and hence giving to them.

However, in direct contrast to how powerfully our instinctual / selfish desires are controlling our thoughts, speech and actions, is obviously the converse; namely, how much less so our idealistic, Divine, altruistic, selfless desires are.

This takes places subconsciously. So in other words, we are born automatically with selfish instincts and to overcome them we need to use our souls and minds to discipline ourselves.

Bullying the Bully

Now, there is another teaching from the Zohar/Kabbalah on how to overcome something that challenges spiritual seekers often and that is that for some reason, their soul or mind is incapable of altering their behavior. As mentioned, when a person orders themselves around, they gain self-control; however, sometimes we find that the body simply refuses to listen to the soul or mind.

The reason for this is because the Kelipos (negative demons) controlling the atoms energizing the body are being arrogant. So it would be like a bully blocking your ability to enter a door. The Zohar teaches that the method to overcome this “dullness of heart,” is to break the barriers surrounding the heart. It gives an example of a large log that someone would like to use for firewood. If you try to light the log as it stands, it will not catch fire.  However, if you chop it up into small pieces, it will burn nicely.
So the way to eliminate the “bully at the door” and gain access to self-discipline is to humble yourself.

So think about all the bad, vile, rude, narcissistic things you have done. The greater your list, the more humble you will become!

As this is a common problem, perhaps it would be a good idea to designate a time daily or nightly when you do this and it will truly allow for your soul and mind to gain dominance over your instincts.

There are no words to overstate this! For example, addicts only turn around from their narcissistic, indulgent, self-destructive behavior (which they fail to recognize as such, for the instincts control their behavior) when they hit rock bottom : (.

Rock bottom is when the shame is worse than the “gain.”  But if we can sometimes (briefly) shame ourselves, we can prevent our instincts from ruining our lives.

Self-Control In The Mind

The truth is that we should also endeavor to control our thoughts.

And this in its own right is a very important concept!  For by controlling our thoughts, we then gain self- control.

If our thoughts are just governed by what is pleasurable and what is not namely I only think about what makes me happy… – then we are never really thinking.  We are reacting to instinctual desires that percolate up into our consciousness, and our thoughts are merely part of the reaction.

(And unfortunately in “reverse psychology” when in the state  of fear, we are sensing everything that can go wrong, and our thoughts are not attractions to what can give us pleasure, but possible danger scenarios, so we can protect ourselves.)

Changing The Airwaves

It will probably take you a few years to gain complete control over your thoughts, but without such control, you are walking in a jungle, at the mercy of whatever stimuli comes your way. With the ability to control one’s thoughts, even someone in a prison labor camp can be free and sane.

As Dr. Victor Frankel writes, that although what the Nazis did to him was not under his control, nonetheless, his reaction to their truly atrocious, malicious and demonic behavior, through choosing his own thoughts, was!

Two Stories

At a conference in which the anti-Semitic Czarist regime were pressuring the Orthodox Rabbis in Russia to change Judaism and threatening pogroms if not, many of the Rabbis feared they had no choice. So Rabbi Sholom Dovber of Lubavitch asked to be the final speaker and when he got to the podium, he said, “G-d placed our bodies, but not our souls in exile!”

Know that what you choose is under your control!

A blonde, blue-eyed Jewish girl worked for the Jewish resistance during the Holocaust, but unfortunately was captured and placed in a cell by the Nazis.

As a famous study on the psychology of the Nazis asserts, “The nature of evil is that it increases with power” similarly in this case; the psychopathic Nazi commandant of her jail would daily ask for a prisoner to light his cigar and then shoot the innocent person.

After starving her for three days, he called her and asked her to light his cigar, which she did – and then he asked, “Why aren’t you begging for your life, as the others do?” to which she replied, “Whether you shoot me or not is your choice, but whether I beg or not is mine!”

Again, through using the method mentioned by Rabbi Josef Isaac Schneersohn, namely, telling yourself what to think, you can gain mastery over your thoughts.

Control Your Thoughts

Although your mind is always producing some kind of thought, what you think about is under your control!

If you tell yourself, “I will think a positive thought,” or “I will go listen to some music or read a book,” you can change the “station” playing in your head, and eventually you will reach the point where you will be talking in your head, and your head will not simply

react to whatever stimuli your eyes see or that comes your way.

I marvel at the many Holocaust survivors who went on to build quality lives, getting married again (sometimes after losing their entire families) and often creating successful businesses, and sometimes even business empires.

Obviously, if they had focused on what the Nazis did to them, they would have never made it.

We in the West who have so much good (including freedom) tend to harp on minutiae that people in the East would find meaningless.

The Prince in the Navy

Now, the Yetzer Hara demon is actually a little devil given to man by The Creator to challenge man’s devotion to The Creator, goodness and kindness.

The Zohar, the primary book of Kabbalah explains that this is like a king who desires to test his son’s morality, so he sends his son to become a sailor in the navy. At the ports, the sailors frequented brothels (this is an olden day example). So this sailor-prince was approached by a gorgeous harlot who had been hired by the king to see if his son had the moral fiber to withstand this great test.

Similarly, the soul in Heaven is basking in The Creator’s Light and is like the Prince at a King’s table. Then the soul is sent into a body, and on top of that, the king hires an exceptionally adept harlot (the Yetzer Hara) to try to get the son to stray from the moral high ground and his true self!

The Lubavitcher Rebbe clarifies, that in truth the Yetzer Hara is a challenge for man’s benefit. Precisely the challenges in life – like the fun of playing a video game which would lose its allure if there was no opposition, is what keeps us focused on winning the game – of life!

Another Thought To Beat The Guilt Induced By The Yetzer Hara

You need not feel any guilt over negative desires. You should rather feel proud, that precisely because you are thinking, speaking, and doing good, the Yetzer Hara (like an opponent afraid of losing a game) is working “overtime,” by giving you these negative thoughts; trying to prevent you from fulfilling your mission in life.

The Surest Method of Beating the Yetzer Hara

Incredibly, the best way to beat the Yetzer Hara is actually by being happy 😀!

This can be compared to two wrestlers. One would assume that the stronger wrestler will always win the match; however, it is often not the stronger wrestler who will win, but the happier one. For if the other wrestler is sad or depressed, he simply won’t put up a good fight!

So by being happy, you give yourself the energy, motivation, vim to fight; however, if you are sad 😔 it will be very easy for the Yetzer Hara to beat you, in his constant vigilance in tricking you to sin and then to feel guilty about it.

Another analogy would be of two people who are trying to climb a mountain – one full of hope, believing that he will make it to the top, and the other who is slightly depressed or does not trust in his ability to summit. The optimist will succeed, for despite setbacks he is hopeful and believes he will make it, while the pessimist will take the setbacks as confirmation of his miserable luck, lose hope, and give up early in the game.

The Yetzer Hara’s Belligerence

The Baal Shem Tov gives us a good analogy on the Yetzer Hara’s belligerence. Once, a man bought a beautiful home. Now, a conman thinking, “How can I get this for free?” but, of course, having no money, came to the owner and asked to buy the house.

So the owner said, “It’s not for sale.” However, the next day, the conman returned and requested, “Can I possibly rent a room in the home?” Again, the man said “no.” The conman then came back a third time, and by now the man was exasperated, so the conman requested one simple thing, “Can you at least please give me a hook by the coat-stand?” Sensing that through this he would finally get rid of the pest, he said, “Yes!!”

But then, ceremoniously, every hour on the hour, the conman would come into the house to hang something on “his” hook. Completely exasperated, the owner finally said, “Here, take the stupid house!” So, in other words, by not fighting our Yetzer Hara, we are, G-d-forbid, inviting him to completely control our lives : ( !

The Creator and Master of the World Wants You to Be Happy

There was a special edition of Newsweek magazine devoted to analyzing the latest research regarding children and educating children.

A poll had been sent out with the following question: “What do you want most for your child?” The primary desire of parents was that their children should be happy. (Interestingly, the next primary desire was for their children to be moral!) The Creator’s desire – as He is our parent – is that we should, quite simply, first and foremost, be happy 😀.

As the Lubavitcher Rebbe once told Rabbi Yoel Kahn, the author of the Chassidic Encyclopedia, “People assume that the road to G-d is through seriousness, but it is actually through joy!”

Last, but not least, the belief that many religious people have that the Creator seeks seriousness is built on the folly of anthropomorphization – sensing the Creator is like a great human – and then hypothesizing that just as humans seek to be served/ power, similarly the Creator.

However the Lubavitcher Rebbe teaches there can be two possibilities – either that The Creator has an ego and because He is perfect has eliminated it, or, which is the truth, the ego, which is a demon given to man, is not even in existence by the Creator! As such it is impossible for the Creator to desire anything but what’s in our best interest – there are zero self-serving desires in The Creator.

Exercise #3:

Specify a few people who you want to start loving unconditionally (with no expectation of reward whatsoever.)

Chapter 4
Forgiving

The Seesaw of Human Relationships

Imagine human relationships as a seesaw.

As a child, you begin life with the feeling that you are lower than the adults (as you are dependent on them.) However, with your peers you feel equal, so now the seesaw is level. Finally, as an adult, you feel superior to children younger than you. (This takes place subconsciously, so don’t feel bad about it.)

Resentments

If someone offends you, depending on the traits you picked up from childhood, you will most likely be passive (as children learn not to fight with adults since they are dependent on them) and what you will probably do, is harbor an inner resentment.

Resentments, Illnesses, and Healing

Resentments have been linked to major illnesses, while healing resentments (forgiving people) have been linked to immediate recovery.

“Dis-ease”

Research has shown that we actually store emotions in our cells, and sometimes a negative emotion will cause a cell to go haywire, resulting in disease. As one friend of mine who came down with a terrible illness told me, “disease is from the word dis-ease.” Dis-ease can often cause disease.

Fear Causes Illness

The Baal Shem Tov calls anger “negative fear.” And research into the field of psychosomatic illnesses indicates that all illnesses – and certainly mental ones – are founded in fear and anxiety.

Forgiveness and Healing

One friend of mine had a thyroid problem for two years. He tried regular and alternative medicines but nothing helped. Finally, he went to a spiritual healer, also an M.D., who told him that he should discover what had happened in his life that had caused the illness.

He realized that around the time of contracting his illness, he had had a fall-out with a very close friend. And after forgiving that friend, he immediately began to feel better.

Brandon Bayes wrote a book called “The Journey,” about how she caused a massive tumor to slowly disintegrate, and actually became cancer-free, within a month-and-a-half, by forgiving certain people (from a childhood memory). She has successfully taught many others “forgiveness therapy.”

Deepak Chopra, an M.D. who spends a lot of time investigating such phenomena, reports as a scientific fact that forgiveness works. However, he feels that some people have an ability to access forgiveness in their inner hearts, while others unfortunately don’t know, or haven’t learned, how to.

Eating Healthy

In addition, it pays to mention that all research (for example “The China Study” – the largest study in history incorporating approximately eight hundred million people) indicates that eating healthy foods – plant based foods (fruits and vegetables) and reducing our intake of all other, is the key to staying healthy in the first place.

It also pays to mention that a Harvard study of over ten thousand people discovered that fiber was the core benefit of the healthier Mediterranean diet. The Rambam, who founded modern medicine (taking it from superstition to science) writes in his famous diet that being regular (one of the benefits of fiber) is one of the most important factors in maintaining health.

However, if medical issues do arise, The Rebbe advises to consult with a Doctor who is a friend and follow their instructions! (In addition, for financial advice, the Rebbe advises, to consult a friend in business and in this way – just as if you ask a Rabbi for Judaic/life questions, G-d ensures that the answer is correct – similarly using this mechanism G-d ensures a correct reply.)

A Story

I recall that when I was a child, an adult once shouted at me for what he perceived was wild behavior (he was a very anxious individual.) Now many years later, as a young man, we happened to meet. And remarkably, he asked my forgiveness for shouting at me when I was a kid. “You probably don’t remember…” he said to me; but in point of fact, I did remember the incident.

And while I did not bear a grudge (after all, he was somewhat justified in my mind, as he was the adult…) nonetheless, there was certainly some sort of psychological barrier between us, in my mind. Since his asking for my forgiveness, and my admiration that he should do so, resulting in my wholehearted readiness to forgive, whatever perceived animosity that existed between us was replaced by my everlasting admiration for this man.

The same applies in a parent/child relationship; if a parent says something harsh as a reprimand, it is vital that later the parent does something affectionate to show the child that the relationship is “back on track.”

Ironically, what is a casual remark by an authority figure is taken as an absolute truth (and hence, unnecessary feelings of shame and hurt ensue) in a subordinate, child, or student.

The Only Parental Advice You’ll Ever Need!

While we’re on the topic, it pays to mention a piece of educational advice from the Rebbe. Every Sunday for many years, the Lubavitcher Rebbe would humbly stand and thousands of people from all over the world would file past to receive a dollar for charity and a personal blessing and replies to any questions.

I saw on a video of Sun. Blessings how a mother asked the Rebbe for educational advice, to which he replied, “Be a good role-model.” The lady was dumbstruck, perhaps she was expecting something more complex, and you can see how she just remains standing there. So the Rebbe responded that the advice was, “Simple, but effective.”

As Einstein said, “Example isn’t another way to teach, it is the only way to teach!”

Forgiveness Vs. Revenge

If someone upsets you, you can either have an argument with him or her or simply choose not to think about them, waiting for time to heal your wounds. Obviously, it is nobler to forgive the person. And according to one study I read, people who forgave others while hooked-up to blood-pressure monitors proved that the simple act of forgiveness caused an immediate lowering of their blood pressure by a whopping 30%. Conversely, holding onto a grudge is exceptionally harmful to you.

The benefit of forgiveness is that essentially you do not allow yourself to feel lower than the person who has harmed, insulted, disparaged, or mocked you. It is only natural to feel “put down” when someone insults you; but remember that what happens when you begin to feel lower than someone else is that our human instinct tells us to take revenge. (Revenge is about “getting even;” in other words, as in the seesaw example, because someone lowered you, you now feel it is necessary to lower them, so the two of you can be balanced out…)

Obviously, it is a never-ending cycle. For even if you do get revenge, it will only cause that the person will then desire to lower you again. As such it can become a never-ending cycle, which unfortunately happens often in relationships.

A Story

Let me share a story with you. This is a story about an incident described by The Holy Rabbi Yisroel Baal Shem Tov as the hardest personal challenge The Creator ever gave anyone since Abraham was asked to bind his son Isaac as a sacrifice on the altar.

In the olden days, a man once traveled to a distant town. He came back home with his prize – an Esrog. (The Esrog is a fruit used by the Jewish people during the holiday of Sukkos.) Now, this man could ill afford to spend money on an Esrog, and he had saved up penny after penny for an entire year in order to be able to afford this fruit

needed for the festival. His wife, seeing that he had spent his savings on an Esrog and not on the family’s needs which were dire, became embittered.

As she reflected on how she could have purchased the necessities etc., her sorrow increased and she bit off the top part of the Esrog, rendering the fruit useless as the fruit needs to be complete in order to be used for the tradition required during the festival. Imagine having worked for many years, saved up a lot of money, and bought your dream car, and then in a fit of rage, a friend of yours takes your car for a drive, ignores the “low oil” symbol, and allows your car to overheat; your engine is now ruined.

How would you feel about your friend’s reckless and destructive drive? You would no doubt be livid. The owner of the precious Esrog however, refused to get upset with his wife. The man said to himself, “It seems G-d doesn’t feel that a simple Jew like me needs a fancy Esrog.”

(There is an interesting movie made in Israel with international acclaim called “Ushpizin” which is a modern rerun of this story.)

Verbal Insults

The Bible teaches us that we may never verbally insult another person, and the Talmud (a commentary on the Bible) explains, that verbal insults upset The Creator to the point that He ensures that justice is served.

In other words, “you get what you give” and “what goes around comes around.” A person should not upset The Creator by getting angry or taking revenge; he can and should leave it up to The Creator to settle the score.

Revenge Doesn’t Work

Look at what Zidan lost by getting angry with a player during the final part of the 2006 soccer World Cup. By taking revenge, he eliminated himself from the game, which probably cost the French team the World Cup!

In the end of the day, holding onto a grudge only hurts you. Forgiveness only helps You!

Forgiveness Therapy

Try to think of all the people who insulted you and all of the times you were slighted. If need be, write them down, and write, “I forgive these people.”

Either Forgive or Confront

If you cannot forgive them, then confront them. Don’t hold it in. Write to them or tell them that you are upset with them for the wrong they have done to you. Firstly, it allows them to defend themselves if there was an appropriate cause. And secondly, it allows you to so-to-speak “balance yourself out” with them – for after the confrontation, you no longer feel victimized and therefore “lower” than them. (Of course the goal is not to be mean but to express that you were upset by what they did.)

Your Right

It is important to remember that as an adult, no one (not even your boss or your spouse) has the right to treat you with the slightest degree of emotional or verbal indignity. You have the right to challenge them and you should challenge them if you cannot find it in your heart to forgive them.

Who knows, maybe you will be helping them, as well, by so doing.

(It also pays to bear in mind that many people feel stressed out, and as such, although perhaps they themselves wish they could be nice, nevertheless, when things don’t follow their schedule, they can turn into monsters. All of this is because in childhood, they were either emotionally, verbally, or physically abused, and they never want to get abused again.

As such, subconsciously they believe that if they are in control (not a victim) the bad stuff will not occur again. So it pays to take the criticism of such people (sometimes called control-freaks) with not a pinch but “an ocean” of salt, as they are always hyper-vigilant, hence perceiving the slightest “abuse” as a potential danger and when we’re stressed this causes us to be rigid and critical.)

Anger’s Motive

In addition, anger is never about the infractions of another, rather the perceived injustice to oneself! So by recognizing that though what others have done may appear to be unjust – but as all comes from a just Creator and Master of the world; hence, their evil is actually a kindness.

For example, say you were minding your own business and a stranger slapped your back – instinctively, you turn around and your actual first reaction is to understand why this happened; if you see someone who looks compassionate and says, “Sorry, there was a bee about to sting you,” it will make you grateful and actually love the person in return. However, if you see someone mocking you with a bunch of cronies snickering, you may wish to get revenge. In other words, by recognizing that pain contains a greater good, we eliminate our anger over the injustice.

The bottom line is that whenever we get angry, upset, faribled, resentful, it is always because we are attributing power to a human being, who is only a messenger from The Creator for a greater good!

The Kabbalah teaches, we should learn from Josef – for if anyone was entitled to be resentful, why his own brothers sold him as a slave, out of jealousy! Yet, when he was in a position to take revenge he said to them, “I am not G-d; though you intended evil, it was a plan from G-d, in order to feed the world!” So by attributing the “crime” to The Creator, for a greater good, he felt no resentment, and was able to continue to give with unconditional love!

To be angry takes no greatness, it is a natural reaction; but to forgive takes a lot of greatness, it’s a supernatural reaction.

As the colloquialism, “To err is human, to forgive is Divine.”

Exercise #4:

Try to think of all the people who have insulted you. If need be, write them down and write, “I forgive these people.”

Bonus: If something bad has occurred to you, write down as many positive benefits that you can conjure up that may have resulted from it.

Big Bonus: Instead of feeling anger and resentment, try to feel compassion for the soul of anyone who instead of loving is harming, for compassion eliminates anger.

Big Big Bonus: Every night before going to bed, do the first suggestion – thus eliminating any new resentments that may have cropped up.

Big Big Big Bonus: Every night before going to bed, ask yourself, “What acts of kindness and growth have I achieved today?”

Biggest Bonus: When bad people make fun of you—even if they come up with convincing arguments—you should not only ignore it, but see it as a message from The Creator that He wants you to double your positive efforts!

Chapter 5
Gratitude

It is also true that our thoughts influence our day. If we believe we will have a good or a bad day, reality will follow suit.

The Awakening Thought

The first thought a person has when he or she wakes up sets the mood and tone for the day. By being grateful in the morning, you will create that gratitude, joy and happiness will be the consciousness of your day. This will enable you to have a great day.

Some of the best times in my life were when I took a few minutes in the morning to think of the blessings I have been given and comparing my blessings to others who lack them – thus concertizing the fact that they really are worth being grateful for. This early-morning activity made me feel on top of the world and whenever I do it, it works!

I am sure you have heard the saying, “He woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” This is a true saying, for if we wake up anxious, chances are that the rest of the day will be an anxiety riddled day.

However, if we consciously create gratitude in the beginning of our day, we will create the mechanism for a happy and joyous day.

Modeh Ani – Gratitude for Your Soul

Religious Jews say the following prayer immediately upon awakening: “Modeh ani l’fanecha melech chai v’kayam she’hechezarta bee nishmasi b’chemla raba emunasecha.” This prayer actually goes all the way back to the time of Abraham. In English, it translates as, “I am grateful to You, Living and Eternal King (meaning The Creator) for graciously restoring my soul back to me – You Are Very Trustworthy!”

The Kabbalistic belief is that every night the soul ascends to The Creator, and there it gives an accounting of its deeds during the day. This is consistent with what our Sages teach us, that The Creator not only judges man once a year on Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New-Year, but in fact, judges us daily.

Change The Same

A story is told of an elderly water carrier who once asked the Baal Shem Tov to bless him, as his job – carrying buckets of water across his shoulders – was unfortunately causing him much physical strain. The Baal Shem Tov blessed him and presumably realized by Divine insight that his blessing would work. However, when he met the man a year later, the man was still carrying water.

Yet the man came running over to the Baal Shem Tov, very grateful and full of optimism and joy in life.

“Thank you for my blessing,” he said, “for although I am old, I am self-sufficient. I do not need to rely on anyone to take care of me.”

The Baal Shem Tov then said, “I now understand what it means when it states in the Talmud that a person is judged daily; for although his circumstance did not change, nevertheless his appreciation of his circumstances did! which gave him joy, gratitude, and happiness in life.”

Finding Good in Bad, Actually Transforms Bad to Good!

I should mention a powerful teaching of the Baal Shem Tov which is very worthwhile to practice. If a person is in a difficult circumstance, he should try to find the good in it. For example, I once went through a very traumatic experience with an individual who suffers from a particular personality disorder. People suffering from this disorder believe that they are better than everyone else due to what is called “artificial morality,” rules they create in their minds and follow, believing that this makes them superior to everyone else, while their real objective is often to shame other people, preferably in some kind of public forum.

Although I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, my experience at the hands of this individual strengthened me and I would not give it up for anything in the world. It taught me more about the difference between right and wrong, good and evil, haughtiness and humility, than any other experience could have.

So, by finding the good in the bad, the experience becomes good, and you continue your life with joy, happiness, and gratitude.

Blessings We Take For Granted In the West

I think that we simply don’t appreciate the blessings that we have in the Western World, because we haven’t experienced the pain of not having them.

If we were to live like the majority of the world does for one week, we would thank The Creator every morning, for our healthcare systems, for our freedom, for our abundance of food, for our ability to have leisure time, for the luxury of staying warm or cool in the winter or summer respectively, for the gift of long life, for advanced medical care that ensures low infant mortality, for the prosperity that allows our children many years of education, for democracy that lets us take part in legislating the laws that affect us, and the list goes on and on…!

East Vs. West

I once worked with Russian immigrants in America, and I would often ask them, “How are you?” and invariably they would always reply with the Yiddish phrase, “Abi Gezunt,” meaning, “As long as we’re healthy, we’re happy!”

Now these people had suffered many many years of persecution under the Communist regime; they had left everything behind in Russia, including their status, and were living in small apartments off government stipends, and yet they were happy as long as they were healthy.

Their attitude in life was one of gratefulness for the blessings that they already had!

Gratitude Meditation

Last but not least, if you need to, let your mind’s eye see the difficulties of the past, or the deprivation of many in the present, and then you can truly be grateful for what The Creator has graciously bestowed upon you today!

Exercise #5:

As you wake up, read the list that you made in Exercise #1 and say, “Thank you Creator for …” (If need be, you should think of people who do not have these things and it will strengthen your gratitude for what you have. This does not mean feeling superior to them; in fact by becoming happy, you will be enabled to become a more joyous, hence giving person.)

Bonus: Additionally, it pays to mention that before we go to sleep, we should ideally:

1. Say thank you for all the good that occurred to us during the day.
2. We should account for our actions, speech, and thoughts during the day. Many Chassidim – disciples of Modern Jewish Mysticism – spend hours, literally making an inventory of all of their thoughts, speech, and actions – seeing if they were good or not and furthermore planning even better behavior for the morrow.
3. Say the verse (part of the bedtime prayers, but the most important theme of it) “I hand over my soul to you (G-d). Please care for it, G-d of Truth.” (This is very important, for the Kabbalistic belief – as mentioned – is that the soul goes into heaven at night and depending if we did the above three things is how high it will ascend. The higher it goes, the more The Creator cares for it, protecting it from demons which pain a person at night through bad nightmares. Hence, the more refreshing and beneficial is the sleep and obviously the subsequent day.)

 

Chapter 6
Unconditional Love

Sample: Barbara decided to unconditionally love her two children Miriam and Jonathan, her husband Michael, her parents Bob and Sara, her sister Esther, and her stepson Josh.

Now that Barbara knows who she will love unconditionally, she needs to re-evaluate her relationship with these people. Is she a good mother, daughter, wife and sister because she believes this is the correct way to live? Meaning, that as she will give, she will receive in return?

Conditional Versus Unconditional Love

Incidentally, a psychiatrist told me that most of his patients are women who cannot come to terms with the fact that they give so much to others, while others don’t give back to them! According to both the psychiatrist and I, their giving was based on conditional love. In other words, there was an expectation of a return. And while this may be appropriate, nevertheless, such women become depressed when their conditions are not met.

If a person loves another unconditionally, they will not become depressed even if they receive nothing in return, for they are happy just to love the other person!

I recently saw a mother of a child with special needs speak with the greatest respect to her child. She believes that her son has a special soul and thus, in the most kind and honorable way, she always teaches him what he can understand – and as a result, he is a loving, caring child.

It is precisely when people are normal, and we believe that we can get something out of the relationship, that we subconsciously resent giving without receiving.

Marriage

One of the best ways to understand another person’s need is to identify with their level of need. For example, if a man doesn’t want to spend a vacation at his in-law’s home, it is important for his wife to think about how would she feel about spending a vacation at her in-law’s home?

If she wouldn’t have a problem with that, then she should think about spending a vacation somewhere she really wouldn’t want to go, and then she can identify with the level of her husband’s displeasure when considering a vacation at her parents to be a good idea.

This technique is brought out in more detail at the end of my booklet, “How to Find the Meaning of Your Life.”

The Final Hurdle

Another very important point is that just as the division of all matter is Air, Water, Earth, Fire (which also follows the kinetic theory that all matter will change, from solid to liquid to gas based on the heat applied to it) there is also a spiritual counterpart in each of our souls corresponding to these four levels:

Earth refers to man’s innate drive for laziness, as earth is heavy and stays in one place, Earth also includes our innate tendency to feel sad – and even depressed – when things don’t go our way.

Fire refers to man’s innate tendency to enjoy supremacy over others. This character trait is unique to the human “animal” as other creatures will only fight for hunger or other instinctual and survival related needs. They have no pathology that leads them to desire supremacy over others, which was the aim of kings and queens for thousands of years.

It is only in modern times that the concept that no man should lord over others has come to the fore. Needless to say, this tendency is still very much innate within people – although it is frowned upon in democratic societies. Unfortunately having lived in South Africa and seen the catastrophe of Zimbabwe were the Dictator Robert Mugabe decided to expropriate land from white farmers devastating the produce of his country – the truth, which is racism, namely judging a group of people by their skin color has become unfortunately reversed. All people, as Martin Luther King said, must be judged only by the color of their heart (good or malicious) but to somehow oppress people with a fair skin color is just as evil as the reverse, and always comes from a delusion – sense of superiority.

Air refers to our desire for “fun,” comedy, jokes, and other frivolous activities. Most of what we see on television or in the movies today falls into this category – it is mindless entertainment meant to squander our time on something that is “there but intangible,” containing no real value for you, or anyone else for that matter.

Water refers to man’s innate drive for pleasure: through eating, listening to good music, intercourse, etc.

We all have elements of earth, fire, air and water in us; however, each person’s soul has a predominance of one of these elements.

For example, thankfully, I innately love helping people and I have strong feelings of compassion towards people (which is a real blessing, for this characteristic has to be developed within those who lack it naturally, and it is not always an easy task).

Unfortunately, I also have an extreme tendency to laziness/ earth. If I do not conquer my tendency to be lazy, it automatically eliminates my tendency for compassion, for compassion requires going out and doing something to alleviate another person’s pain, and laziness abhors action.

Now, in terms of the tendency of “earth people” to get depressed, here is some good advice to overcome depression: In life, we have a choice. We can see ourselves as the master of our lives and hence hate every stupidity (and as there is much) that we do… (This is also why people get depressed, because they are angry at themselves for failing, or not managing to give themselves what they want.) Or, we can see The Creator as the Master! As the Rebbe wrote to a Survivor suffering survivor’s guilt, that belief in the Creator’s role as the Supreme and Sole Manager of Reality would naturally eliminate thoughts which create unrealistic expectations hence guilt. So even if we “failed,” because the world is designed, those failings are designed too – for the purpose of greater growth and blessing in the future.

Overcoming Our Innate Weakness

The Lubavitcher Rebbe teaches that if we can discover our innate weakness and conquer it, then all of our other weaknesses will fall like a house of cards!

According to one of the greatest Jewish scholars, the Rambam,

the method to conquering a person’s weak trait is for him or her to constantly oppose their tendency. For example, if one is innately lazy, one must make an effort to be active and do things. And the more one is proactive and occupies oneself with productive activities, the more each and every action helps one to succeed to break this negative tendency.

The same applies to someone who is addicted to pleasure, making it his or her G-d. The more he or she refrains from pleasure, the more control they get over their life.

The person who is always a comedian should become more serious and realize that life is not a game – it is about doing acts of goodness and kindness. (Naturally, one can help someone else through comedy, but is the focus on helping another or on comedy?) The more serious the person gets, the less he or she will feel compelled to be frivolous and waste away their life.

The final innate negative desire is arrogance, or Fire, which is to some extent the greatest evil of the four. For arrogance immediately precludes feeling compassion for others. For as you feel superior to people, you cannot feel compassion for them, much as you don’t have compassion on an ant that you step on as you walk down the sidewalk. The arrogant person must try to be humble, constantly telling him or herself that everyone else is far better than he or she is, and that even if he or she has achieved, they should attribute that success to The Creator.

Moses was, according to the Bible, the humblest man who ever lived, and yet he was a great leader, a great ethicist, and in fact the person endowed with the most prophecy ever, according to the Bible. So how did He maintain his humility? The Jewish Sages teach that Moses believed that The Creator granted him great gifts; however he believed if someone else had had the same gifts, the other person would have surpassed his goodness and kindness.

Truly, we can never know if we are really living up to our potential!

As humility is the only conduit to G-d; hence, precisely the humblest man was also endowed with the greatest prophecy.

In general, whenever it comes to acts of goodness and kindness, we should never grow conceited, which would probably make the act a failure rather than a success. Rather, we should look up to the saints of the world, who do endless acts of goodness and kindness, and realize that we have just begun our journey into holiness – and the road is endless!

Additionally, never think you are superior to the people who receive from you, for without having whom to serve, we basically have no purpose to our existence!

In summary: The main thing is to love, for then

You not only do a world of good for others,

You do a world of good for yourself!

Overcoming our innate weakness is the greatest possible achievement; far more difficult than scaling Mount Everest, building a company, or any scientific or intellectual endeavor. For when a person surmounts obstacles in a journey, every obstacle is seen as the antithesis (a boulder in the road) to the goal. However, when one is conquering one’s own innate tendency, every time he or she fights themselves, they are at a crossroads – “Should I do the right thing or follow my instinct?!”

To conquer oneself – to gain self-control – is the purpose of life, and what makes all subsequent achievements, dear and valuable to you, to your society, and most importantly, to your loving Father in Heaven!

Exercise #6:

Resolve to love unconditionally the people you have chosen (Exercise #3) and try to do acts of goodness and kindness during the day for them.

Bonus: I was invited to give this course at a company in Manhattan, and the CEO of the company asked, “How can I actualize daily, acts of goodness and kindness for those whom I choose to love unconditionally?” The Rabbi who introduced me to this company made the following practical, relevant and simple suggestion:

1. Think something positive about whomever you have chosen to unconditionally love, daily.
2. Say something positive to them – like call your wife or husband or child or best-friend and say, “I just want you to know that I am thinking about you’, or ‘I love you!’”
3. Buy them a small present, for it shows them (especially your wife) that they mean the world to you, for you have taken some of your time which you could have spent selfishly, and instead acted selflessly!

To Summarize – This book is based on how to live the motto of The Holy Baal Shem Tov, founder of Chassidus, “Modern Jewish Mysticism:”

“Fear no one or anything but G-d.

Love everyone with all the fire of your heart and soul; no matter who they are or what they’ve done.”

In the end of the day, the genius of the Baal Shem Tov’s teaching is that instead of allowing our mind to be dominated by our instinctual desires (and even worse, G-d-forbid, fear or hate – the cause of all malice in the world) our mind, through using the various ideas mentioned throughout this book, becomes the programmer of our emotions – conquering fear, eliminating resentments, and the pillbox, producing the happy, loving (hence giving) and perhaps most importantly – humble (and forgiving) person.

Appendix 1

Discover The Meaning Of Your Life
In 5 Steps

Chapter 1

What is Meaning?

We need to firstly define what meaning is.

If we look in the Oxford dictionary under meaning we find:

1. What is meant,
2. Significance,
3. Importance.

A look under meaningful is able to reveal even less:

1. Full of meaning,
2. Logic, able to be interpreted.

A look under meaningless seems to do the trick for me, “Having no meaning or significance.”

It seems that to explain meaning, the word “meaning” is used. That doesn’t really help us, for we want to know what meaning is!

If you don’t have a clearly defined idea of what meaning is, you need not worry for even great psychologists had great difficulty in describing meaning. As all feelings it is practically impossible to describe.

Think about loneliness, happiness, anger, pride.

Try to describe these in words. The best we can do is describe behaviors that are produced by these feelings which we recognize as having their genesis (their origin) in these feelings. Take this sentence for example, “After he insulted me I whacked his hand.” This is an obvious behavior that has its origin in anger.

“I felt so happy when my friends returned, we immediately schmoozed about their trip overseas.” Loneliness is the cause of happiness in this case. When the friends returned the feelings of loneliness subsided and an important human need was fulfilled. How about this? “Whenever I make the high jump, the claps from the audience sounds like music to my ears.” Obviously someone’s joy is caused by the audience’s recognition of his achievements.

People rarely express their emotions in words, certainly men don’t.

Hallmark Cards makes many millions of dollars by expressing emotions in a picture or a few choice words and then a person happily purchases the card and signs their name.

Women are naturally better at language than men. This gives them an innate ability to express emotions better than men for they are better communicators in general. But when we ask for, “How do you define meaning in life?” many women are at a loss as well.

Meaning in life is neither an emotion nor a feeling, rather it is a perception. A person perceives that their life is meaningful or not.

Some perceptions are made via the senses like “is it light outside,” or “how loud is that guys stereo!” or “this flower smells great!” or “This feels hot!” or “This tastes terrible!” while other perceptions are made via the intellect, like two plus two equals four, or, “When I say to people that they stink, they begin to hate me : ) .”

The intellect can also conceive of new ideas, as well as judge old ideas by objective standards.

Essentially this is the job of a Judge. They look at a behavior and they decide if this behavior is criminal, based on an objective standard of what is legally considered criminal.

A person who does not judge themselves favorably is someone who decides in a sense that their behavior is criminal or not right.

Many people have many resolutions that they would take if they could keep them; all of these people perceive that they should be changing their behavior and feel bad when they are not. [How many smokers wish they had stopped smoking already, just as people with many different sorts of bad habits and other mental or emotional ailments.]

Behavior can be changed.

It is the desire not to change behavior that gets in the way of changing.

For example, let’s say I need to study for an exam in university. This means I need to do some boring reading which I don’t want to do, particularly because a favorite show of mine is on tonight. I can now choose my behavior; it will take self-control to study for the exam.

Many people lack this kind of self-control. They basically live their lives in what can be best described as crisis control. They are controlling their crises. Only a crisis gets them to respond, and do things that they don’t want to do.

Crisis control people will find it difficult to achieve meaning in life for they will consistently be perceiving themselves as not doing that which they themselves think they should do.

It is not a very good feeling to look at oneself and decide that “I could have done more” or “I should be doing more, but I am not because I can’t control myself.”

Although this is not a good feeling, many people don’t realize that they have the power to change their behavior. They believe that they are stuck and they need to fulfill their emotional passions.

For this reason, we will discuss briefly how a person is able to control their passions, which will help some people in their mission towards achieving meaning in their life.

Like I mentioned, for many people this is necessary, as

it is impossible to achieve meaning if a person cannot control their behavior.

 

 

Chapter 2

The surest way for a person to be unhappy in life is to do every desire that comes their way – in other words, into their mind.

People are naturally endowed with various different abilities of self-control. This ranges from lots of it to none of it. There is no one who is perfectly able to control their urges and desires. It is difficult for everyone, the only question is how difficult.

There is a theory that children who are labeled attention deficit disorder are normal children, only they have a lesser ability to control their desires.

Let’s face it, no child likes to be studying math at 2:00 pm. It has no relevance to their lives, certainly not at their tender age. The difference between the ADD child and the “normal” child is, that the normal child controls their urge to talk in class, while the “ADD child” has less self-control.

In a way, this theory is true, for a person can see that an ADD child is remorseful but they can’t seem to stop their behavior.

It is as if they’re saying, “I understand your feeling, but this is my limit.”

“Normal children” are just better at limiting / controlling their behavior.

Some children even at a very tender age are excellent at limiting their behavior for a better goal.

A fascinating study is reported in Daniel Goleman’s book “Emotional Intelligence” where he describes how kindergarten children were given an option of one marshmallow now or two marshmallows in ten minutes.

Only very few children could wait the ten minutes for the benefit of getting a second marshmallow.

Most children lacked the self-control to wait, so they opted for one now.

Most importantly, these children were tracked throughout their school career, and unsurprisingly they were better in every social and academic field than their peers.

In almost every academic or social setting self-control is necessary for success.

You need to study, which takes self-control. You need to be patient, which takes self-control. And the list goes on and on.

Why is there this dichotomy between the desires and self-control? The answer is found in the very structure of the human.

Imagine an animal for a moment. They have no self-control issues, for they have no perception of self. All they know is that, “I want something and I will do what it takes to get it.” They can be trained to do tricks, but that means they know that in order to get what they want, they need to sit or stand.

Essentially what they want dominates their behavior and they learn how to get what they want. Sometimes they might need to do a trick for their food, but they have no choice in the matter. If they were given the choice, they would take the food without the trick.

A human has a very strong perception of self, which gets stronger as they grow from infancy to adulthood. A little child is not very different from an animal in its lack of perception of self. Once this perception develops, a new human emerges and that is what we will call the “human ideal.”

That ideal is the human, as the human wants to be. Most often, a little child wants to be like a parent. That’s why girls play with dolls and boys dream of being fireman and policeman, which are important jobs to them, as symbolized by the flashing lights and the ability to go through red lights. (This desire for importance can sometimes be negative, such as a desire for fame at all cost to oneself and others.

It can also be very positive, as a desire to make a meaningful difference in other’s lives.

This is when a person truly leaves a legacy, for they are forever remembered favorably by the people they helped.)

 

 

Chapter 3

The important thing to remember when one is searching for meaning, is to understand the principals of the price one pays for meaning.

Like all good things in life, meaning in life comes at a very high price.

The price is making time and spending your resources for helping others. Although this may seem like a small price, it is actually quite difficult, for the reason, that when someone needs something they feel the need, but when someone needs to give something, then they need to create the understanding of how the other person feels in order to understand the need.

It is impossible to feel an emotion that is not felt by oneself internally.

One can never imagine how a blind person feels, (chas veshalom / G-d forbid); one can never imagine how an autistic child feels; one can never imagine what it is like to have much more or much less than one has, or ever has had.

Only a person who has been in a similar situation can possibly feel the same way and understand how the other is feeling. This is why the 12-step program in a group, has tremendous success. For a sufferer meets other sufferers who know what it is like to suffer. Great Rabbis were most often great counselors to people. A rule among the most professional and caring of these Great Rabbis was that they needed to identify with the problem the sufferer had. No matter what the problem was, they made sure to find within themselves something similar to that problem and only then did they allow themselves to counsel the people who came to them.

This is the logic behind the Biblical instruction to “Love your neighbor as oneself.”

Seemingly this is asking a lot of an individual. But in order to do kindness to another in their time of need, you must picture yourself in their situation and imagine the pain they are feeling – only then will you realize and feel the need to do something about it!

Freud explained that people do not exaggerate their needs.

This means, if a person feels that they are under intense pressure, it makes no difference if they are under a “paper clip” or “under a ton of bricks.” The perception can be the same for different people. People normally associate what others are feeling with how they would feel in a similar situation. There are two problems that we have when  they are trying to identify with another’s problems. The first one is that they do not properly understand the situation because they are not feeling it directly.

This means that they can only compare it to how they would react in a similar situation. Because they were never in the situation, they don’t actually know how they would react, and therefore they do not know how difficult it is for the other person.

The second problem is that people are wont to look down at others and decide that the other person should be far stronger…

Of course (chas vshalom / G-d forbid) if they were in that situation they would be very sad and want pity rather than a lecture of how to be strong, but when they see another in a situation of need, all people usually think, is, “Be strong and heal yourself.”

For these two reasons, it is an absolute necessity to try to listen objectively, and trust what the other person is saying.

If the person says something is “very difficult for me;” think about what was very difficult for you and compare the level of difficulty the person is describing, to that very same level of difficulty you had.

Don’t think, “How would I be in this situation” because you are not in that situation so you don’t know.

Rather think that what the person is saying is true. And the reality is, that it is how they are feeling. So disregard the stimulus and compare how they are feeling to a similar level of anxiety or pain that you have once felt. If you can’t do this, you will not see the necessity, urgency, or difficulty the person is facing, for you will have no means of understanding it.

Chapter 4

This chapter will summarize the main ideas of the previous chapters and will guide you on a step-by-step process to achieving meaning in life. I will warn you however, that there is a tremendous gap between knowing the steps and knowing how to dance.

It is fairly easy to read the steps, it is more difficult to do them, and it is far more difficult to do them gracefully. For this reason do not expect to learn the steps and then succeed.

This will only cause you grief later, just as if you were to learn how to dance from a book and then expect to gracefully waltz on the dance floor. It will take patience and practice! Knowing that this, and only this, will be of lasting importance and will fill your life with meaning and purpose should help you take the difficult practical trials into a graceful life full of happiness and meaning.

Step 1. Identify who you can help in your life.

First, imagine that you are a child, and remember that desire to receive love and affection from your parents. Now ask yourself, who looks at me like a parent? Perhaps it is a spouse, perhaps you have children, maybe you are an employer so you have employees who see you as such. How about if your job is of tremendous importance to others, like a doctor or a plumber in a time of crises.

Who looks to you for help and assistance? Now you know who you can help. Forget about saving the world, or even saving your country, or even your city, or even your own community organization.

Think only about those people. “What can I do for them that I would have enjoyed if my parents had done for me when I was in need of assistance?”

The key is to try to imagine their need and compare it to a serious need of your own. Don’t compare the situation, but compare the need. I am sure there were times that you felt hopeless, in need of encouragement, someone to give you advice that would work and similar situations. Compare the intensity of need with the intensity of need that you have had, and then you have accomplished step one.

You know who you can help.

Step 2.

Define a strategy

There is no use knowing a need without a solution. Define a strategy.

This may be very easy or very difficult. If it is in your area of expertise, you may very simply be able to help the person. For example if you are a doctor and you have someone in need, if you know that illness, it can be very easy and almost automatic to define a strategy.

If you do not know what to do, there are few things worse than offering help to someone who looks to you for help, only to learn later that you not only did not help the person, but you wasted all the time they were looking to you for help, when they could have gone to someone else.

The point is, don’t fix problems unless you are an expert!

You are not the focus, they are! For this reason, you need a strategy that will help the person. This may be going to an expert or perhaps you becoming an expert, but don’t harm a person that needs help, for that will openly become a point of shame in your life.

Step 3.

Implementation.

A strategy is only good if it is implemented. If you don’t implement the strategy there is no use to making it and wasting your own time.

Implement, implement, implement! Implementation is achieved by self-control, which we discussed earlier.

 

Step 4.

Pretend that you did nothing

People do not like to receive, for then they are beholden to the person that they received from. It is very important to understand this. Think about how much you owe your employer or best customer etc. You owe them. To put a person in a situation where they owe you is only to change their problem.

Of course it is better to help a drowning person than to say, “I won’t save him or her so they won’t owe me,” but if at all possible you should say, “Wow, isn’t that amazing? I just was driving by here with my boat and I saw you. Are you o.k.? etc.”

The less effort it took for you to save the person, the less he or she owes you. It is difficult to overstate this point. Don’t say, “Boy I just used my last dollar to put in fuel in my boat after I saw a mile away that you were drowning and I ruined my watch that grandpa James left for me when I picked you out of the water, but I am so happy to help you. Are you o.k.?” Obviously, the person will feel very indebted and few people are sophisticated enough or have the ability to repay the debt in full.

Remember, make it like there was as little effort as possible in what you did!

 

Step 5.

Maintain a Friendship

This is probably the most difficult of all the steps for after you have done the good deed you may want to congratulate yourself and drink a beer. That’s not how it works.

When you help someone, you become very important to them, just like your parents are important to you. You now need to be there for them. They will look up to you even if you think you are a nothing.

They will obviously think that you are a something. Just be their friend. Ask how they are. Congratulate them during their good times and sympathize with them during their bad times. Be a friend!

I will give you an absolute guarantee that these five steps, preformed consistently and at available opportunities, will fill your life with meaning. You will find happiness and joy!

You will see that your soul has an important mission on this world and that only you can fulfill it.

Remember, nothing good comes easy and if you’re looking for the very best, which is happiness, it will come with lots of effort. In fact, the more effort you will put into these five steps, the happier you will become.

Go ahead. Make your life meaningful!

Good Luck!

A Soul Stirring Short Story

When Rabbi Sholom, the fifth Lubavitcher Rebbe was a young boy of five, he and his brother Zalman played “Rabbi and student.” Zalman put on a black hat and Sholom asked the following question. “I forgot to make a blessing on my apple this morning, what should I do?”

“From now on” said Zalman proudly, “you should say your blessing from the Siddur (prayer book) and in this manner, you won’t forget to say your blessings!”

“You aren’t a real Rebbe” exclaimed the younger Sholom. “Why not, I gave you good advice?!” replied Zalman. “A real Rebbe, first sighs with you, and only then does he give you advice” answered Sholom; who went on to become a mentor for tens of thousands of people.

Appendix 2

Pleasure vs. Meaning

If a person looks at life as a place to achieve pleasure, they will receive no answer as to why they were born.

The ability to achieve pleasure has been reached by the chemical substances known as drugs that allow people to feel temporarily great amounts of pleasure.

Pleasure is certainly non-equitable with happiness, for if you asked those drug users if they prefer to be happy or on drugs, they will tell you they prefer to be happy.

They are using drugs because they are unhappy and it is this unhappiness that leads them to seek pleasure.

This is often seen in people who are going through a midlife crisis; their desire to have pleasure increases as their unhappiness with themselves increases.

Ultimately, happiness is a sort of pride that one has of oneself.

A person is proud of one’s achievements. A person who behaves in ways that offer pain to others will not be happy even if they receive much pleasure in the things that are causing pain to others. Happiness comes from knowing that you have made a meaningful difference in another person’s life.

Time is very precious, because before a person knows it, the opportunities to make someone else happy are gone.

How many people have lost out on the amazing opportunities of helping another person, just because they were too busy at the time…

When they look back at the circumstance, they often feel bad that with a little bit of selfless effort on their part, they could have brought happiness to another person.

There is an added dimension to happiness in that when you make someone happy you feel as if you were born for a reason.

Look carefully at your opportunities to do good.

If you can tell that you are in a situation to help someone, think if there is anyone else in the world who is in the same situation where they care enough and have the ability to make a difference.

You may be surprised to find, that in this particular instance, to this particular person, you have the ability to make a world of a difference.

Saving the world is not a problem at the current moment and if it was, governments would probably find professional people who would advise them on these issues.

Helping one person in a particular situation that you know about, is saving that person’s world and will bring you a world of happiness!

For there is no better feeling, than to know, that you made a world of difference, to someone’s world.

Appendix 3

Kabbalah on Marital Intimacy

I was giving a lecture in New York and I mentioned “sex.” One of the women came over to me afterwards and said, “Marital Intimacy, is a nicer word.”

Now that you know what I am talking about, you are probably wondering why, I, a Rabbi, am writing a booklet on Marital Intimacy?

The truth is, that “Reishis Chochmah”, one of the foremost books of Kabbalah, relating to the practical side of applying Kabbalah in one’s life, states that:

“Marital Intimacy is in fact the great goal of mankind!”

Highlighting the centrality of this book in Jewish mysticism, the disciples of the great Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi needed to know this book by-heart before they would come to study from him!

You know, one can tell how important something is by the challenges that are placed by the satan, an angel created by The Creator to challenge our sincerity and devotion to The Creator / goodness and kindness.

And if there ever has been a challenge, there is no greater challenge than to have good and holy marital intimacy.

I recall reading an article where the writer mentioned that people in the olden days used to ask their Rabbis about intimacy, and it appears that we should do so today as well!

Here is a fact: most couples stop having Marital Intimacy a few years after they are married.

Now the reason why this is so devastating can be traced to the fact that more than fifty percent of marriages today end in divorce. There is no doubt in my mind that the key to a happy marriage, is good Marital Intimacy.

When there is good marital intimacy (and we will define good later) unity of mind and body necessarily follow. And the key to a marriage, is unity of spirits. (When husband and wife are on the same wavelength.)

In fact, the Bible begins, as the primary reason for marriage, “It is not good for man to be alone… And therefore man should leave his attachments to his father and mother, and should unite with his wife and they should become one body.”

In other words, the very reason for the perception that Marital Intimacy is not a good action in many people’s minds, namely, Religion – is in fact advocating, as the primary purpose for marriage, or at least the primary mechanism to create harmony in marriage – marital intimacy!

(Christianity and specifically the Catholic Church created the illusion, that only due to the weakness of man, are people allowed to have Marital Intimacy – whereas, their “priests” abstain.)

However the Creator of everyone and everything, our loving Father in Heaven most importantly and primarily created this world for unity and harmony – love.

The Creator of mankind desired harmony to ensue.

And in order to do this, He created a pleasure system, whereby two lovers would both gratify each other.

Hence, just like two people who give each other pleasurable presents would deepen their bond – similarly, the bond between these two people would be deepened as a result of their pleasurable act for one another.

Now, the great mistake made by the Church, as well as many other faiths, is that they see reality divided into two realms: 1. Moral, Spiritual, and devoid of pleasure, and the other one, Pleasurable, Decadent, and Sinfully-Delicious.

As such they assume, that the greatest act of pleasure, must also be the greatest sin! And hence we find the obsession in the media with sex, almost as if they are exposing a taboo.

The truth is, that the common human mistake of associating pleasure with sin, and morality with serious hardnosed self-discipline is wrong.

Morality is when humans unite with one another – for morality is defined by The Creator and this is what The Creator desires! As evidenced by the fact, that Rabbi Akiva states, that the most important commandment of the Bible is, to

“Love your friend as much as you love yourself!”

And it is really not so much about the love in your heart, rather the unity that the love in your heart will naturally create – for hearts reflect love.

Now, there is no better technique to unite two people, than marital intimacy. I recall watching an Oprah show, which was all about marital intimacy in the bedroom – or should I say, the lack thereof.  And one woman spoke how she had Marital Intimacy as often as possible with her husband in order to maintain a good relationship, and when they don’t have it, their relationship with one another is not as good.

The whole audience applauded her, and the expert on the dais said that what she was doing, which was right, was that she was giving her attention to what was most important in her life – her relationship with her spouse. Which obviously affects her children, etc. What I find so ironic is that the very culture that has so idolized intercourse, has none of it.

In fact, the famous Kinsey surveys, on intimacy in the bedroom

discovered, that the group that has the most marital intimacy in a lifetime (obviously with the same partner) were Orthodox Jewish men and women.

Now, the very group, whom secularists laughed at for being too prude, were in fact having the most, again the most Marital Intimacy – more than any other group in America, which again is as ironic as it gets.

The secret to Jewish Marital Intimacy is quite simple – it is called “Taharas Hamishpacha” and is based on The Creator’s advice in the Bible.

Many psychologists have discovered that the primary reason that couples stop having Marital Intimacy is boredom.

The Talmud describes it, as usual – best: “There is a little limb in man, that the more you satisfy it, the less satisfied it gets; but the less you satisfy it, the more satisfied it gets.”

Now the Bible – The Creator’s wisdom and instructions for living both a happy and harmonious life states categorically, that from the onset of the period for five days, and then seven days following the cessation of blood, husband and wife should not have Marital Intimacy.

Now, the benefit is very simple indeed. Because religious Jews follows The Creator “religiously,” therefore, both husband and wife are “forced” to physically separate (…from intimacy) during these two weeks.

As a result, during these two weeks, their innate desire for one another is rekindled; and hence so many husbands and wives report they feel like newlyweds on the Mikvah night.

(The Mikvah is a body of water connected to original rainwater or a natural spring, in which the wife dunks in after the two weeks; and it spiritually rejuvenates the woman, and religiously allows for the Marital Intimacy to resume.)

There are many many books that deal with both the beauty and practicality of these rules – my booklet is more of a general nature.

The point is, that our whole attitude on Marital Intimacy has been clouded by the Church (and I am not blaming the Church, for as mentioned, it is a common human error/assumption.)

The Man’s Role

Now, another very important factor is that the Bible places the responsibility to initiate Marital Intimacy – in fact one of the three primary obligations a husband has to his wife – on the husband.

In other words it is the husband’s obligation to initiate Marital Intimacy. It is his duty and responsibility, whether he is in the mood or not.

He must, again must (obviously only if his wife wants it) initiate and please his wife.

Now, this is the great challenge The Creator gave man. For men “can’t be  Dogs!” What do I mean by this?

Dogs are peculiar creatures. Having lived in South Africa – which is like a dog paradise, for everyone has guard dogs, I got to observe, up close and personal, their behavior. When they are in the “heat” / mood, boy they can’t stop barking at you.

They are so emotional, they cannot contain their passion! And are literally like a chicken without a head. However, when they are tired (perhaps hormonal etc.) you can walk past the same dog that a few hours ago would have gone absolutely ballistic over you, and it is as if he is dead! Gone are his emotions, passion, excitement. He is just like a lazy lion, doing nothing.

In other words, men have a double challenge from The Creator. Firstly, to not be a “dog” in terms of not being able to control themselves. So, when they are excited and their wife is also interested, their Marital Intimacy must be focused on giving pleasure. One very clever Jewish lady whom I asked for some advice before marriage told me,

“If a woman does not receive pleasure during Marital Intimacy, she feels raped.”

On a very simple level the Talmud teaches that the reason The Tzaddikim (the Righteous Saints) are rewarded by G-d is because they spend a lot of time in marital intimacy. Studies show that to women what is most pleasurable is actually the Hug / The Marital Embrace. As such a. simply ensuring that the atmosphere is one of sensitive mutual love – b. including as the Ramban teaches, telling a wife how dear she is to him, and c. Slowly! engaging, and truly holding / being together – is the husband’s marital duty and what will create an everlasting appreciation, unity, and love.

So the husband cannot be a “dog.” He must have self- control. (The fact is, that self-control is a major subject in its own right and I don’t think it is possible to begin having self-control in bed.

A person needs to truly work on delaying gratification in order to learn how to have self-control.

Whenever you want say to have a chocolate, just put it down for two minutes, and this process of delaying gratification will educate you on how to have self-control – and you may be very proud of yourself for it!

Without self-control we really are like an instinctive animal; just running towards what gives us pleasure and recoiling from what we fear/what may harm us. But with self-control, we can become the greatest person in the world!)

Now, the second “dog challenge” is when the husband is not in the mood. Here, he needs to not be like a dog and figure, “Well, if I’m not in the mood to bark like a nutcase, then my owner doesn’t need protection from criminals either…!”

He must realize, that his wife (obviously if she wants intimacy) loves him, and truly desires this Marital Intimacy. I think a good example of this would be as follows. Imagine someone who is hungry, but because you are too lazy, you don’t feed them!

Now, an additional point must be mentioned, which is the importance of one’s thoughts during Marital Intimacy; particularly, if one is trying to conceive a child.

In Reishis Chochmah the story – true story – is told of a queen who gave birth to a black child, and the king thought she committed adultery and wanted to kill her.

Now, one of his wisemen explained, that if she saw something black while they were conceiving, it could be that it caused the child to be black. In fact, Reishis Chochmah gives the following example (and you should apply this to every part of your life) Just like a hose of water – when you pour water into the hose, if it is arched in a semi-circle, then the water will reach to the height of where the person began filling it; similarly, our thoughts go into heaven and then become our destiny!

They checked in the royal bedroom and indeed found a black object where the queen was looking at.

In other words, the child that you will give birth to will be affected by your thoughts.

So you should firstly, never think of another woman, and I assume I need not tell women of other men.

But most importantly, you should picture something holy, like a letter from the Jewish Alphabet or the face of a Tzaddik/completely righteous individual, like the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem and Mendel Schneersohn.

 

 

Addressing Modern Perversions

Now we need to address a sick reality that has become the norm in permissive western societies, mistakenly assuming freedom means licentious, and that is the issue of hooking up.

Rabbi Freedman was once talking to a group of teenagers and asked them, “Who created the idea of marriage?” It is so central to our way of life, we often don’t think about it.

But as the Rambam (one of the greatest codifiers of Jewish law) writes: before the Bible, people would simply choose a wife and cohabitate. Rabbi Freedman continues, “It is the Divine Creator who taught us about the sacred bond of marriage, hence to keep this bond sacred we must follow His guidance.”

Effectively, biologically a man has an instinct to just have intercourse – women are more emotionally attuned, hence are looking for a relationship.

A man who has random intercourse is guilty of raping the woman’s heart. In fact, according to the Bible, a man is obligated to marry a woman who he convinces to have intercourse with him (if it is technically a permissible relationship.)

For Women

Women always have had it tough – the dynamic of a relationship means that you need someone to fall in love with you.

While technically, practically and altruistically this seems like a very simple thing, in actual fact it is very difficult. The reason for this is simple – as a Family Mediator we have a rule, you can only mediate between people if they both look for mediation. You cannot force someone to want something. We men by nature are more solitary.

Rabbi Jacobson taught, that G-d made Adam alone and he needed to realize he was alone, and only then did He grant him the most incredible gift of a wife. But not long thereafter, he failed to appreciate this gift and happily blamed her.

We men have goldfish memories : ) We may long for a relationship, but the moment we are in it, instead of appreciating this Divine, absolutely amazing, unbelievingly unwarranted gift we now, like the proverbial dog with the bone, “Become King.”

In addition, the disastrous – and only you can stop a disaster! for thank G-d modern laws protect women but if you don’t protect yourself and choose! to not have intercourse before marriage… the disaster of men being able to have intercourse before marriage creates that in simple words instead of them looking forward to a sacred relationship – “Happily Ever After,” it is like a (very sick) buffet.

On a practical note:
a. DO NOT OFFER YOUR BODY BEFORE HE OFFERS HIS SOUL (You do not gain the respect of a man, rather, disrespect, by being cheap.  By nature, men are “hunters,” and only will cherish that which is the hardest mountain to summit.

In other words, it is o.k. to have non-physical dating, but do not get physical until after marriage.

And if someone doesn’t respect this healthy boundary, they don’t respect you and most probably never will.)

1. Please realize, you are the most powerful person on this planet.

We live in an age when men (at least in democratic countries) truly revere, respect and believe in the fundamental dignity, right and opinion of women. Though the media, pornography etc. has done much harm (in objectifying women ) : – nonetheless, this notion is still a subconscious truth.

Hence, you need to see yourself not as a recipient, but as a inspirer, not as a follower, but as a moral compass. And be willing to share – in the wonderful, kind and gentle style women are know for – that Your path in light, in G-d, in dignity is good for your future spouse, life, and marriage.

Can I Be Gay

Unbeknown to most Americans and people around the world, just like the movie “Inception,” the plot being about an idea which is “incepted” – brought into a mind forever, like a virus causing the host (in this case another mind) to think something that will cause it to self-destruct – almost every single one of the so called “progressive” ideas, in actual fact were implanted (over generations now) in the west by an enemy.

The Secret Service of Russia, formerly the KGB, now the FSU was an expert in this field. In fact I personally know someone who was trained, and according to Ian Pacepa the highest ranking Soviet General (he headed the KBG, running Romania) the vast majority of Russian resources (in terms of military) are not focused on weapons, but mind war.

It is like the art of Judo – use your enemy’s strength (/weakness) to have them self-destruct.

Anyone who would actually like to understand this should read Ian Pacepa’s book “Disinformation,” but in brief, there is no such thing as a gay marriage.

This is exactly like George Orwell’s book “1984” in which he predicted Governments (in this case media) would create a fake language, to justify the unjustified.

If someone has (unfortunately some do) a desire to kill – as one serial killer said, that was what he likes; he cannot identify himself as “a serial killer” and kill you!!

Right and wrong are not made-up words!  If a person is a kleptomaniac (which there are…) he cannot walk into stores and steal, and in addition claim this as an identity.

A desire to do something which is destructive to oneself, and society is nothing but a bad desire and all of life is the process of a controlling bad desires (not overeating, taking drugs, revenge etc.) and b. doing more goodness and kindness.

Now as crazy as calling what is the opposite of marriage, marriage; is something infinitely crazier!

The one thing of the many thousands of ideas that my mentor and master Rabbi Schneersohn said – which I didn’t think was correct, but unfortunately is – as Rabbi Schneersohn witnessed how an otherwise modern normal society could fall under the spell of insanity (namely Germans turned into a “super race” : ) – the idea that “their innate superiority allowed them to murder babies etc.”) and the Rabbi said: this could happen in America.

A lady psychiatrist from Mayo Clinic said, “You can just as much change a person’s mental illness (namely “a male who thinks they are female!” or “vice versa!”) by an operation, as treating a person with anorexia (someone who thinks they are fat, when they are skinny) with liposuction : ) .”

The hallmark of all self-destructive ideologies is their obsession with perversion and anarchy, and the “regressives” – as in the people who caused the collapse of ancient Rome, as well as Greece, are infatuated.

(It is so ridiculous, but as you know EVERY SINGLE CELL IN THE BODY IS MALE OR FEMALE.

The basic scientific fact is: “Individuals having two X chromosomes (XX) are female; individuals having one X chromosome and one Y chromosome  (XY) are male.

The X chromosome resembles a large autosomal chromosome with a long and a short arm. The Y chromosome has one long arm and a very short second arm. This path to maleness or femaleness originates at the moment of meiosis when a cell divides to produce gametes (the very first zygote, namely if a person is going to be a male or female is decided from at least nine months before birth in humans.)” (From Encyclopedia Britannica.)

In other words, the cult of saying a person – which shows how entire departments in universities are cults – as was the case in the ridiculous nazi “philosophy” – “claiming people get culturally assigned male or female” when this is biological fact happening to every MAMMAL in-utero.

Furthermore the part which most defines us, our brain – according to the Institute of National Health (the US Govt. Scientific Research) has at least five major brain differences.  Men have more grey matter which help with mathematical skills, women have more white matter which helps with language skills.

So unless someone can create – which is literally impossible, a brain surgery – the notion that giving someone dangerous hormones (that have long term negative effects) and surgically deforming the anatomy, changes what truly makes males and females think, and hence feel differently, is not so different of people believing the insanity of Hitler. (Of-course, there are at least fifteen other major differences in the body, such as tone of voice etc. etc.)

In simple words, we can either be a cult member of what I term a “zombie militant cult.” Zombie, for anyone posting the latest insane radical ideology – such as calling Israel “Apartheid” when it is THE ONLY COUNTRY IN THE MIDDLE EAST (Arab countries) that gives her Arabs full rights – not to mention BETTER (affirmative action) education etc. shows on infinite foolishness.
Following without thinking or analyzing… and the same applies to the insane idea of reparations etc.

(If they say, as many, to give them your money! Would you?!? And how long could such a system last? – For the money will disappear in a year.)

“Militant,” for there is a – perhaps introduced by President Obama who grew up in an intolerant Muslim country – a hostile attitude (instead of respect and dignity) to those who disagree (this usually comes from deep insecurity – for as Einstein said when Russia put a full-page ad “100 Scientists Against Einstein” (as he was trying to limit the spread of nuclear weapons…) “If I was wrong, one scientist would be enough : ) ”.)

And a “cult,” for as all good : ) cults, the weapon of choice is simply shame.

Or you can, We Can! Join The Infinite Truth! which is obvious: Each And Everyone Of Us Has A Body And Soul – We Are Chosen By An Infinitely Loving Wise, Kind & Generous Creator to Exist.

Our Unique Souls And Bodies Are Here So We Can Complement Each Other! 

And only in the context of healthy boundaries, respect, and love – namely the respect for marriage and family  – as statistics show – do we live meaningfully, as well as perpetuate life.

(For all these insane theories will die out if for no other reason that the lack of respect and commitment for family and marriage is causing low birth rates, and most of the western world has gone to a situation where there will be in their countries a population implosion unfortunately.)

Appendix 5

I advise you to work on the following Marital Harmony Plan in which you can navigate a positive relationship.

But first An Amazing Letter Advising A Husband How To Create Peace in His Home from the Lubavitcher Rebbe:

The Rebbe Writes

“I received some information about the relationship at home, but I do not know to what extent it reflects the actual situation. Hence I want to convey to you some thoughts in light of what the relationship should be according to Shulchan Aruch [The Code of Jewish Law] the Jew’s practical guide in life.

If the relationship is, indeed, in keeping with it, the purpose of this letter will be to strengthen and deepen it, as there is always room for improvement in all matters of goodness and holiness,  Torah and Mitzvos. On the other hand, if it is not quite what it should be, I trust that, since the Torah is surely a guiding light, you will bring it up to the desired level, and you will do it with joy and gladness of heart.

The central aspect in the manner of conducting a home and family life, is, that it be based on the way of the Torah, whose ways are “ways of pleasantness, and all of its paths are peaceful.”

If this rule applies to all activities of a Jew, even outside the home, how much more so does it apply within the home itself.

Of course, since G-d has created human beings with minds and feelings of their own, and these are not uniform in all people, peace and harmony can be achieved only on the basis of “give and take” that is, meeting each other half-way.

For a husband and wife to make concessions to each other is not, and should not be considered a sacrifice, G-d forbid. On the contrary, this is what the Torah teaches and expects, for we are talking about concessions that do not involve compromise in regard to the fulfillment of Mitzvos, and both of you are of the same mind, that the laws of the Shulchan Aruch must not be compromised.

Furthermore, to achieve true peace and harmony calls for making such concessions willing and graciously –not grudgingly, as if it were a sacrifice, as mentioned above; but in the realization that it is for the benefit of one’s self and one’s partner in life, and for one’s self perhaps even more, since it is made in fulfillment of G-d’s will.

And if our Sages exhort everyone to receive every person with a friendly face, certainly it applies to one’s wife or husband.

There are many sayings of our Sages, as well as those of our Rebbes, urging husband and wife always to discuss matters of mutual concern, and to give patient attention to the opinion of the other and then act in mutual agreement. It is also very desirable that they should have at least one regular study period in a section of Torah which is of interest to both, such as the weekly Torah portion, or a timely subject connected with a particular season or festival.

It may sometimes seem difficult for the husband to take time out of his preoccupations to discuss mutual problems with his wife, or study Torah with her, but he should not look at it as a sacrifice.

On the contrary, he should do it eagerly, in fulfillment of the most important Mitzvah – Sholom Bayis – Creating Peace in His Home.

And if any Mitzvah has to be carried out with joy, how much more so such a fundamental Mitzvah.

Finally, I would like to add that of the Mitzvah campaigns which have been emphasized in recent years, special attention has been focused on the Mitzvah of Ahavas Yisroel [the love for fellow man] which embraces everyone, even a stranger; how much more so a near and dear one.

I hope and pray that each of you will make every effort in the direction outlined above and will do so with real joy and gladness of heart, and may G-d grant that you should have true Nachas [pride] –which is Torah Nachas, from each other, and jointly from your offspring, in happy circumstances, materially and spiritually.”

Marital Unity Plan

How To Live Together With Mutually Agreed Upon Goals

Prepared By Rabbi Z. Wineberg (Mediator, specializing in family Mediation.)

Sample
Where To Live

Wife’s Desire	Mutual Compromise & Goal	Husband’s Desire
Live in Crown Heights		Live in Boro Park
	We will try to live in Crown Heights for one year. We will reassess how we feel about it then.

Technique:

Once a week (certainly once before marriage – preferably before engagement) the two of you should follow this technique to create mutual compromises / goals (for two horses pulling a wagon in one direction vs. in two, creates a harmonious unity instead of discord.)

1. The wife should write a desire – next to it the husband should either check the box if he agrees or write what he desires.
2. Then the husband should write a desire and the wife should do the same as above.
3. If they both agree, then they should write in the loving- resolution, the joint resolution.

However, if there is disagreement, one of two options remains – the first is to see if there is a middle ground (see sample) the second is called flagging, just leave it for now.

At a later stage you can either swap (so “I will give into a. in order for you to give into b.”) or see if any of you feel
differently.

Wife’s Desire	Loving Resolution (Compromise)	Husband’s Desire
1	1	1
2	2	2
3	3	3

Our Mission Statement

This is a very important document as it is the “mutual mission” – it should ideally be done before engagement but it is always a great opportunity.

As you can see, writing a joint mission statement is very important as this allows you to happily move forward. Similarly setting aside time weekly (say on Sunday – or Motzia Shabbos) to express any feelings, for inevitably as you are both human there will always be how you are feeling; and maturely making a rational suggestion, and as the Rebbe says, “giving patient consideration to your spouse’s feelings and then acting in mutual agreement,” is perhaps the only way to have a long- term positive relationship.

A great suggestion is – and something we should take advantage of today – the ability to email one another. The benefit in emailing your desires towards creating a loving resolution is that often we find it less fearful. Of-course for that very same reason, often we may write things we would never say. So the key is to remember the point of this exercise is a singular one indeed – to either achieve a Loving Resolution or simply let it go.

Wife	Mission Statement	Husband
1	1	1
2	2	2
3	3	3

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Rabbi Michael Zev Wineberg received his Rabbinic Ordination from the Chief-Rabbi of Canada, Rabbi Hirshprung OBM. He has a degree in mediation and computer programming. Rabbi Wineberg was Lecturer of Hebrew and lectured on Jewish Mysticism at Kansas University. He founded The Beth Medrash Program (advanced Jewish studies) at State University of New York, Binghamton; and co-founded The Beth Medrash Program at Yale University’s, Jewish Student Union.

He served as Adult Education Director for Chabad House Center, K.C. Kansas. He is the author of over twenty personal guides based on Kabbalah/Jewish Mysticism.

He also served as the foundational Rabbi – building up the Jewish Community of Plettenberg Bay, a resort town in South Africa and servicing the thousands of Jewish tourists to it annually.

He was a popular Radio Show Host on “Kabbalah Tools For Life” on a number of Radio Stations. He currently is a Rabbi and teacher in the Holy City of Safed.

See More on his website www.KabbalahWisdom.org

YouTube wwwkabbalahwisdomorg