One of the greatest Kabbalists of our time, Rabbi Levi Yitzchak, the father of the Rebbe, wrote to him, that in marriage he should see to it, to always have one opinion!
The Rebbe writes that according to Judaism and Jewish mysticism this is the goal, namely reaching a consensus.
Firstly, there must be a motive, which as the Rebbe teaches, is to realize that God’s blessing resides in the peace in the home; hence to have peace is to have great riches, honor, etc. etc.
In fact, as the Rabbi of a resort town where many wealthy people came, I once asked myself for a common thread between all these people, and the one I discovered, was, that they paid respect to their wives!
So how do we actually achieve that two separate opinions – which should be expected from any two people, certainly two people who are biologically different, hence motivated in different directions (in general, woman towards security, and men towards grandiosity) create consensus?!
To figure this out, I went on a course of mediation.
Meditation has become a very very big field, as courts are realizing that mediation promises a far better resolution than a win or lose scenario.
In mediation the mediator doesn’t take sides, and the people are there voluntarily – the mediator’s role is only to help two people reach consensus.
Well obviously, despite the fact that I am offering my services free of charge, most people would like to resolve their own issues!
Based on my training, I have developed a very very simple mechanism which truly can bring about consensus!
What you see is the circle relating to a single opinion.
So say I decide to paint my fence green – I should ask my spouse – honey, how do you think or feel about a green fence?
To which theoretically, “honey, I think green is the color of idiots!”
So number one, I shouldn’t do anything until we reach consensus!
The line in the middle means we both deserve 50% of an opinion circle.
So I should say “honey I understand that you think green is the color of idiots, which would make me one (and as my self-esteem is good, I don’t get offended) but as I love green, and it shows our identification with environment, would it be o.k. if we paint it green this year and next year we will paint it the color of your choosing?”